Home Alone is an absolute holiday classic and a cornerstone of many of our childhoods, but, like anything that I watched when I was little (then watched again 47 million other times including earlier today), there's a number of parts that always bugged me, and I think this blog post in the year 2012 as I near my 30s is the perfect place to FINALLY AIR THOSE GRIEVANCES.
Here are the 10 Parts In Home Alone That Have Always Bothered Me:
1. When Kevin doesn't eat the macaroni
Kevin has enough time to sit in church during a choral rehearsal listening to an alleged shovel-murderer yammer on about his estranged son, then manages to turn his home into the frickin' Temple Of Doom in an hour, but he doesn't have time to take ONE BITE of his delicious-looking macaroni dinner so he isn't starving to death while attempting to maim adults? JUST EAT IT! Or better yet, don't take the time to LIGHT CANDLES, say grace, then BLOW OUT THE CANDLES YOU JUST LIT when the clock strikes a time the burglars said they'd be back around.
TAKE ONE BITEEEEEEEEE! PLEEEEEEEEEASSSEE! Ahhh, whatever - been yelling that for 20 years, it's no use. That reminds me: BRB, eating one million macaronis.
2. Aftershave wouldn't hurt if you didn't shave
The most iconic scene in the film (besides the tour de force acting performance by the Little Nero's pizza boy) is built on a faulty premise: Why would the aftershave burn Kevin's face if he hadn't actually shaved? Is he just screaming as a joke? A joke for whom?? Is he just doing it to amuse himself, like he is with the Christmas-song hairbrush lip-synch?
Man, this is raising more questions than it's answering. Not going down that Lost rabbithole again. Kevin's house is purgatory and that's FINAL.
3. The Shovel Guy makes NO EFFORT to not be THE CREEPIEST
You know, it's one thing for Kevin to be slightly leery of a strange neighbor just because of some farfetched urban legend, but Kevin's fear is slightly more justified when that neighbor also goes out of his way to be DELIBERATELY CREEPY AS HELL at every possible opportunity. When Kevin finally meets him in church, the Shovel Guy tells him "You know, you can say hello when you see me," to which Kevin likely thinks (but doesn't say aloud) "And you can feel free to not slam your bloody hand down in front of me then silently murder-stare at me for ninety seconds while I flee a convenience store! Glad we had this talk."
4. Like all eight-year-olds, Kevin loves black & white gangster films
Remember when you were eight and you always really wanted to watch Jimmy Cagney gangster movies from the 30s, but your mom wouldn't let you? And instead, just kept forcing you to watch stupid, kid-unfriendly things like Ninja Turtles and Transformers and Nicktoons and you were like "Mommmmmm, I don't CARE about ninjas eating pizza, I wanna see dialogue-heavy crime noirs about dudes named Johnny and Snakes!"
"Someday, when mom's not home, I am SO gonna sneak a peek of that gritty glimpse into the seedy underbelly of crooked municipal contractors..."
5. Harry almost bites Kevin's fingers off
Harry and Marv are career petty-thieves who meticulously scout and rob rich peoples' homes, but then out of nowhere, Harry flips over to total psychopathy and decides he's going to brutally maim a child? I mean, I get that he's frustrated that he just got an 'M' burned into his hand-flesh for eternity, but still, killing a child is a sliiightly different echelon of crime than grabbing some rich woman's angel figurines.
WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF THE SHOVEL GUY HADN'T INTERVENED? Would Harry have literally bitten Kevin's fingers off while Marv watched?? What a moderately disturbing thought.