From Caldwell Tanner on
By Caldwell Tanner
Note: This article will resemble this one in style - http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6618100/the-x-men-guide-to-puberty Title Page: NOW What’s Happening to My Body? A Puberty Guide for 20-Somethings MAIN IMAGE: Alex Watt, holding a basketball and wearing athletic clothes, inspects his hairline in a mirror. He looks concerned. SECOND IMAGE: Berty, A balding sack of skin wearing a tie (like a grumpier version of this guy) waves at the bottom of the cover. Berty: The grown-up’s guide to growing old / It’s time to stop growing up and start growing old! - Page One - MEET YOUR NEW GUIDE! Howdy pals! My name’s Berty! I’m here to help steer your body off the free-wheelin’ Teenage highway and right into to the desolate parking lot of life that we call Adulthood! Now let’s see what’s in store! Image: Berty waving, beside him a sad looking bald bird, and a fat bee float lazily. 1. Where’s My Hair? Copy: As you get older, you may start to notice hair in places you haven’t seen it before. This is perfectly natural! You see, as the hair on your head gets thinner, greyer and altogether ceases to exist, new hair begins to grow in all sorts of crazy places, like your nose, ears, and all over your goddamn back. This new hair helps maintain your body temperature and also blocks unwanted sensations like hearing new names and smelling your increasingly repugnant body! Far out! Diagram: A young adult male with a full head of hair is on the left. In the middle is a balding, slightly older male. Arrows show hair leaving the head and sprouting in the ears, nose, and shoulders. On the right is the fully bald older male looking sad. Berty’s Kool Korner Copy: Worried about losing your hair? Here’s some “fresh stylez” you can use to mask your genetic shame. Diagram: Heads with different styles of balding patterns being hidden on them. - Put a Lid on It! - Guy with a baseball cap on. - Put a Lid on It! (Winter Edition) - Guy with a stocking cap on. - The Bruce Willis Bic Blast - Guy with a shaved head. - Page Two - 2. Slow Your Rolls! Copy: Just because you’re a grown up, doesn’t mean you’re done growing! In fact, the older you get, the slower something called “metabolism” becomes, which will cause your body to expand in all sorts of exciting and uncontrollable ways. Diagram: An age progression image in profile of a guy getting fatter and more hunched over. Berty Says: Remember, everyone grows at different rates, just something to think about the next time you’re bragging about being able to eat an entire pizza not get fat. Image: Berty grabbing a big chunk of his gut waggling it at you accusingly What a Pain! Copy: On occasion, you may experience sharp “grown-up pains” that will you lead to you throwing out your back and collapsing to the ground in a sad pile of crumpled regret. Common causes for these pains include standing too much, sitting too much, or trying to bend over even a little bit. Image: A girl bending over to pick up some food that fell on the floor. Her back has given out and she is stuck perpendicular. It is a depressing sight. - Page Three - 3. Sound of Mind? Copy: Remember when your voice changed? Yikes! What a strange life experience, right? HARDLY! Pretty soon, the way you voice opinions will change, along with your entire perspective on life! Pretty fucked up, right? Image: Berty is smoking a cigarette and looking kind of stressed out about existence. Here’s an example! Image: A college-aged girl talking to her friends vs. A 20-something girl talking to her friends. Girl: A CONCERT?!? Science Fun! Haird of Hearing Copy: Modern science has found that the increase in vibration produced by all the extra hair growing in your ears and brain might explain why you couldn’t give two shits about what dubstep is! Biological Clock Blocking Copy: As your body’s hormone production increases, you’ll find yourself increasingly infatuated with the idea of having children and starting family. Don’t fret, everyone feels this way! But if you’re not ready to embrace actual real-life responsibility, consider getting a dog or cat. This basic companionship will stifle your body’s familial urges and allow you to continue you living in self-denial about your swiftly closing window of sexual eligibility. - Page Four - 4. Sex and the Pity Banner at the top reads: Warning! Real Talk Happening Here. Copy: Sexual Intercourse is a beautiful thing. It’s how humans procreate, and more importantly how we show deep affection for people we care about. But as you grow older and more comfortable, you and your sexual partner may find that all you really want is to split a bottle of wine and fall asleep watching a documentary about sushi. Image: Berty and Bertess watching TV on a laptop This biological process is known as a nocturnal submission. You might be feel slightly embarrassed by it the next morning, which is fine, because before too long everything you do will be embarrassing to everyone, even people you love. So get used to it! Final Thoughts Panel 1: Berty tells it like it is. He is still smiling, but looks stressed. Copy: People often say that life is an open road, full of twists and turns and for the most part it is, but you’re old now, and your car is slowly breaking down into a big heap of achey garbage. Panel 2: Berty gives a half-hearted thumbs up and a tired smile. A banner saying “GOOD LUCK!” has dropped down, along with two lumpy balloons. A few more, uninflated balloons can be seen falling, and also on the ground.