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By Caldwell Tanner
People You See at a Midnight Movie Screening
Overexcited Child and their Patient Parent
Image: Stressed out-looking mom reading a magazine while a nerdy kid dressed as a hobbit annoys her.
Kid: Can you believe they’re making this series into THREE MOVIES? How cool is that?!?
Parent: Very cool, hon
Overexcited Parent and their Patient Child
Image: Dorky Dad wearing a One Ring shirt and talking excitedly to the bored Mom. He holds his visibly-sleepy young child’s hand.
Dad: I’m just so excited I get to share this epic journey with little Elrond here.
Self-Righteous Movie Blogger
Image: Smug girl on a netbook.
Blogger: If you can’t be bothered to read my 10-page review, then you don’t deserve to know my opinions.
Guy Who Thinks the Book is Better
Image: Nerdy dude holding a book and talking to Guy Who Doesn’t Know it’s Based on a Book.
Nerdy Book Guy: I swear to the Valar, if they leave out even ONE Dwarfsong I will be FURIOUS.
*Weird Dude Just Sitting By Himself in the Corner and Really Creeping Up the Joint
Image: Gollum-looking dude looking up from his PSP.
Loyal Significant Other
Image: Movie Blogger’s Boyfriend, she talks enthusiastically with him.
Blogger: Can you believe they’re making this series into THREE MOVIES? How lame is that?!?
Boyfriend: Super lame, hon.
Image: Girl dressed as Legolas
Legirlass: I like to think of Midnight screenings as just a super-expensive Halloween Party.
Image: Older creeper dressed as Gandalf, he approaches Legirlass
Creeper: I'd sure like to show you my elvish tongue, mind if I...speak ‘friend’ and enter?
Legirlass: Ah, oh what? No, please. Just.... No.
Image: Gross looking hobo that resembles Radagast the Brown. He is talking with the Over-excited Hobbit kid.
Kid: Are you a wizard?
Hobo: YESSIR I GOT MAGICK BONES, GIMME A NICKEL AND I’LL PROVE IT.
*Herd of Loitering Teens that aren’t Even Going to this Movie
Image: Several hooded teens that resemble Ring Wraiths.
Teens: We’re only here because the Wendy’s is CLOSED.
Guy Who Drank Like Five Cups of Coffee to Stay Awake and is Now Regretting It
Image: Guy in theater gripping his seat. Sweat rolls down his face. He checks his watch.
Guy: OH GOD, THERE’S STILL TWO HOURS LEFT.
Guy who Hasn’t gone to a Midnight Release since High School
Image: Late twenty-something guy asleep in the theater.