Someone want to stop groveling and hit the lights please? Thanks. Here we go.

God Pitches Winter - Image 4

Ok, ok, so hear me out:

You know how when you come home from a really long day of work or school, it's still nice and bright and warm outside, so you feel obligated to accomplish errands or do something active and healthy and/or leave your room for recreational or social purposes?

Well what if – and this is a crazy idea but bear with me – what if, when you got home, it was completely pitch-black outside? And! Not only pitch black, but also it was REALLY FUCKING COLD? Like, not the comfortable 'evening breeze' that we experience now, I'm talking a level of cold that is objectively uncomfortable for human beings?

But here's the best part: This isn't just some fun, random, one-day novelty thing that people can prepare for and easily incorporate into their lives. No – it gets gradually gets colder and colder until it's really super cold and dark, and then it stays that way EVERY SINGLE DAY for the next 4-5 months! And it feels like even longer than that!

Now, I know what you're going to ask… "Why the hell would anyone want this?"

God Pitches Winter - Image 1

Good question. Well, there's a number of reasons:

1) Since it's cold and dark outside as soon long before you get home, you not only have no motivation to go to the gym, but you also feel legitimately justified in your decision to skip it. You're just a rational person making a rational decision, whereas if it's 70 and sunny out and you skip the gym, you're just a fatty fatso not wanting to go to the gym, you fatso.

2) People will be able to enjoy picturesque visions of sipping hot cocoa under a warm flannel blanket in front of a cozy fire surrounded by loved ones, blissfully watching the snow sprinkle down outside. Even though this scenario will never, ever actually occur.

3) Suffering through a large chunk of the year desperately huddled under blankets indoors will help people to truly appreciate the celestial gift that is summertime, at least for that one nice week in May before it gets too hot outside to exercise or do anything and everyone's running their air conditioners for the next 6 months and sweating too much to sleep.

4) Driving will suddenly become exponentially more dangerous (up to and including becoming literally impossible), thus removing peoples' desire and ability to initiate human social interactions and accomplish errands, as well as forcing people to be like "Guess we better order food!" even though the snow cleared up six days ago and they still have leftovers from the previous five nights of ordering food.

Of course, Winter won't affect everyone. Not every city will get super cold and shitty from December until two months after you think it's going to stop being shitty. There will still be cities where it doesn't really ever get cold -. Tons of cities, actually. But here's the thing: You won't live in any of them!

This means, when people in those warm cities ask you why you've chosen to reside in a location that's borderline uninhabitable for a way-too-significant portion of every year, you'll have to invent phrases to justify why you've chosen to continue residing there despite countless acceptable alternatives. How does an otherwise rational human respond to such claims? Pay close attention to these:

God Pitches Winter - Image 1

And voila! Peoples' lives have become much worse, and yet, they go on believing that they're somehow better off. Everybody wins here!

In conclusion, I propose that we begin rolling out the 'Winter' concept ASAP in limited release, and if it gains the traction that we hope it will – by people believing that their intermittently miserable cold-weather experiences somehow makes their existence richer and more nuanced than those people who've chosen to live in places that are, for lack of a better phrase, "way better to live in" – then we'll farm the franchise out to include roughly half the civilized world. And put it like, ALL the fuck over Sweden.

So basically, that's my idea in a nutshell. I realize it's a radical proposal, but I'm hoping that with the proper branding, "Winter" can grow to be as successful as our last idea, "Bad Things Happening To Good People."