Do they HAVE to keep playing Christmas carols EVERYWHERE I go. I get it. You're simply having a wonderful Christmas time. Now shut the fuck up. It's bad enough listening to that dirty Santa clanging his welfare bell without adding a crappy pop cover of a song that sucked the first time around. I'd pay them to shut up if I didn't already spend all my money on gifts for people I don't care about.
Ugh, I hate living in a society with other people who expect me to be pleasant a minimum of once a year. How am I supposed to present an air of holier-than-thou cynicism when everyone wants me to participate in a bunch of cliche, holly-jolly bullshit. You know what I hate most of all about this season? Egg nog. It's basically just melted ice cream, but I still hate it.
It's cold outside.
Hey there, mild acquaintance, I know we've only said about three words to each other since we met but I got you a little something. Yeah, it's not big deal, I just overheard you talking in the hall six months ago about how you're a Knicks fan so I got them for you.
Yeah. The Knicks. The whole team.
Anyway, that's my gift for yoooouuuu...
Are you handing out gifts today too? I bet you thought of all kinds of great gifts for people -- I mean I don't know for sure, but based on that one time you said, "Hi" to me, you seem like a really thoughtful guy. Don't you just hate it when people don't get into the holiday spirit, and, y'know, BUY gifts for people? I know I hate that. Anyway, I'm sure I'll see you later when you have that present for me. Ciao!
What did you say to me? What did you SAY? No, sir, FUCK your "Happy Holidays." I celebrate Christmas. That's one holiday. Holiday. Singular!
Unless you meant Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... I do celebrate both of those... And that's two holidays...
BUT I'm going to assume you DIDN'T mean that and make this a big deal anyway! How dare you acknowledge the existence of other holidays? Everyone, this man is persecuting me with his non-denominational good will! It's a hate-crime, I tell you. Take back your "Happy Holidays" and say "Merry Christmas" to me. SAY IT!
And that's MERRY Christmas, not Happy Christmas like some goddamn limey English bullshit. This season is Merry, you hear me? IT'S MERRY!
Oh my god, look at all this food. There's chocolates and cookies and cakes and pies. Oh, if I were to eat all this I would get sooooo faaaaaaaaat. And by "all this" I mean all the same stuff that you are eating right now. I don't know how you do it. It must be so nice to be care-free, just eating whatever you want without worrying about the fatty rolls that are gonna come jiggling over your jeans by New Years. You seem to be really enjoying yourself! That's great! I can't do it. If I ate like you (just shoveling pastries into my piggy maw), I would DEFINITELY feel guilty. And I would also call myself Little Fatty Lumpkins behind my back.
But it's good you can eat like that. One of us should be happy.