Do they HAVE to keep playing Christmas carols EVERYWHERE I go. I get it. You're simply having a wonderful Christmas time. Now shut the fuck up. It's bad enough listening to that dirty Santa clanging his welfare bell without adding a crappy pop cover of a song that sucked the first time around. I'd pay them to shut up if I didn't already spend all my money on gifts for people I don't care about.
Ugh, I hate living in a society with other people who expect me to be pleasant a minimum of once a year. How am I supposed to present an air of holier-than-thou cynicism when everyone wants me to participate in a bunch of cliche, holly-jolly bullshit. You know what I hate most of all about this season? Egg nog. It's basically just melted ice cream, but I still hate it.
It's cold outside.
Hey there, mild acquaintance, I know we've only said about three words to each other since we met but I got you a little something. Yeah, it's not big deal, I just overheard you talking in the hall six months ago about how you're a Knicks fan so I got them for you.
Yeah. The Knicks. The whole team.
Anyway, that's my gift for yoooouuuu...
Are you handing out gifts today too? I bet you thought of all kinds of great gifts for people -- I mean I don't know for sure, but based on that one time you said, "Hi" to me, you seem like a really thoughtful guy. Don't you just hate it when people don't get into the holiday spirit, and, y'know, BUY gifts for people? I know I hate that. Anyway, I'm sure I'll see you later when you have that present for me. Ciao!
What did you say to me? What did you SAY? No, sir, FUCK your "Happy Holidays." I celebrate Christmas. That's one holiday. Holiday. Singular!
Unless you meant Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... I do celebrate both of those... And that's two holidays...
BUT I'm going to assume you DIDN'T mean that and make this a big deal anyway! How dare you acknowledge the existence of other holidays? Everyone, this man is persecuting me with his non-denominational good will! It's a hate-crime, I tell you. Take back your "Happy Holidays" and say "Merry Christmas" to me. SAY IT!
And that's MERRY Christmas, not Happy Christmas like some goddamn limey English bullshit. This season is Merry, you hear me? IT'S MERRY!
Oh my god, look at all this food. There's chocolates and cookies and cakes and pies. Oh, if I were to eat all this I would get sooooo faaaaaaaaat. And by "all this" I mean all the same stuff that you are eating right now. I don't know how you do it. It must be so nice to be care-free, just eating whatever you want without worrying about the fatty rolls that are gonna come jiggling over your jeans by New Years. You seem to be really enjoying yourself! That's great! I can't do it. If I ate like you (just shoveling pastries into my piggy maw), I would DEFINITELY feel guilty. And I would also call myself Little Fatty Lumpkins behind my back.
But it's good you can eat like that. One of us should be happy.
No. I'm not doing Christmas this year.
Um, because my eyes have been OPENED? Yeah, I learned all about it in my freshman seminar. I think it's really important that people learn about the way corporations brainwash people into buying things they don't need with money they don't have. Maybe buying presents is okay for SOME people. Like, I'm sure you have a good reason. I just don't think my dollars should be fueling the American corporatocracy. I know I'm only one man, but sometimes one man can make a difference. And sacrifice. My sacrifice this year is that I won't be buying presents.
I will still be accepting them, though.
Wow, guys, wow, thank you so so so so so so so much for coming to the totally fun and completely mandatory Company Christmas Fun-Time*: a subsidiary of the Hearne Company! Now, I know you guys are full of holiday spirit, and want to start drinking those HOLIDAY SPIRITS (HAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA)**, but let me remind you that company policy dictates that each person is limited to precisely two drinks for the duration of the party***, okay? Good? Okay? Yay!
Also, I'm noticing a lot of you are not wearing your ugly Christmas sweaters. That's just a fun thing we do. It's fun! But you will also not be permitted into the party unless you are wearing one. So if you don't have one, you better GET KNITTING (HAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA).
Now, I know you're all looking forward to the president's annual speech where he unsuccessfully attempts to relate to all you lowly peons, but before we begin I'm going to need all of you to line up in order of your favorite Christmas carol! I'm sure you can figure it out. And we'll be keeping an extra eye on those of you -- Tom -- who try to get more than two drinks. We will fire you.
* Fun-Time is a registered trade-mark and may consist of fun-like product instead of "fun." ****
** Yes, somehow I can laugh parenthetically! (HAHAAHAHAHA)
*** Party may not be "fun"
**** Yes, somehow I can speak in footnotes! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Everyone! Everyone! Stop that fun thing you're doing. We need to take a picture, capture this moment, and share it online.
So that it can become one of thousands in a stream of identical, universally ignored holiday photos, of course!
Oh, you'll be happy to have the picture once it's taken. Come on, now, let's all gather around the tree.
Okay, now one on the other side of the tree.
Okay, now let's do a SILLY one.
Oh, we need to do the silly one again because Laura was blinking. Say, "REINDEER!"
OH! OH! Reindeer! Let's do one with our hands as reindeer antlers.
Just one more, this won't take long. I want to capture how much fun we were having before I started trying to capture how much fun we're having....
Yay! Reindeer antlers!
Hey, while we're all gathered together we should make a fun little video.
Come ON, it'll be FUN!
Um, ACTUALLY, Jesus probably wasn't born in December. Christmas is in December because it let early Christians incorporate pagan solstice ceremonies into the Christian tradition. Oh, did you already know that fairly commonly known fact? Well, you must be like me: a rare intellectual floating in a sea of idiots. Nevermind that my vast, clearly superior knowledge appears to be limited to Wikipedia facts and Reddit TILs from the past week. That's a coincidence.
Where are you going? We've only just begun. You see, you're threatening my position of Most Intelligent Person here, and I'm afraid I can't let you leave until I've intellectually bested you. We were talking about Christmas trivia, yes? Do you know about Krampus? About the origin of Christmas trees? About Zwarte Piet? About how insecure I am? About how important it is that I seem smart? That I am loved? Don't you take this away from me. DON'T YOU TAKE IT!