I've settled my debts. Prayed for forgiveness. Duct taped myself inside my dorm room. I am at peace with the end of everything as we know it. As soon as that happens. Wait, when's that supposed to happen again? December twenty-somethingth? I always forget. Shit.
I know I have it down somewhere. Let's see cats dressed like people calender, people dressed like cats calendar, Jets team schedule, ah, here it is, Mayan calendar!
Err, how do I read this again? Shit shit shit.
OK, don't panic, I'm sure I haven't missed it. I would have heard something right? Or nothing? Can you hear nothing? Brimstone maybe? What the hell is brimstone? Oh god, what day is today?!
FUCK! I slept through it again, didn't I? This happens every goddamn time. I write it down on the dry erase board on my door. I start prepping. Then my roommate and his friends get drunk and draw dicks all over my dry erase board, which makes it hard to read what I wrote down. Next thing I know I'm back on XBOX Live playing Uncharted, wondering why all the sudden I have so much bottled water and solar powered survival gear.
If I missed this apocalypse I'm totally gonna fail the universe this semester and I'm definitely never going to get into a top tier heaven. My ancestors are gonna be pissed if I end up in the crappy Scientology one
Wait, what if I get it rescheduled? There's got to be some other people who missed it. Maybe I can experience it with them. Who do I email? The president? God? Quetzalcoatl? Kukulkan?
Then, uhh, I'll politely ask that chick from my doomsday prep study group to see what I missed. Hey, Alyssa, its Jake, how'd the apocalypse go? Was it hard? When the planets aligned did the sun melt the oceans? How big were the asteroids? If you could just try and remember EXACTLY what happened and e-mail me a detailed account I'd really appreciate it.
Who am I shitting? I never went to those study groups. Alyssa has no clue who I am. I'm just some slacker to them. They probably think I couldn't tell the difference between Armageddon and Armageddon. ONE IS A BRUCE WILLIS MOVIE AND THE OTHER ISN'T, YOU OVERACHIEVING ASSHOLES!
AHHHH FUCK! Get it together Jake! You've gotta chill out. Just sit down, play a little Uncharted. Smoke something maybe, and quit treating the apocalypse like its the end of the world.