Realistic Program Bios For A High School Theatre Production
By Elizabeth Arcury
*Insecure Jock (Male Lead)* - Travis is definitely NOT having fun doing this dumb show. His girlfriend in the department made him do it. He barely shows up to rehearsals. Even though he has a nice singing voice he won’t sing without letting everyone know how gay he thinks it is to sing by rolling his eyes whenever he hears his instrumental start. His muscles got him this part since all the other guys in the department have nothing going for them. *Product of a Stage Mother (Female Lead)* – Libby is the best because her parents told her she is! They spend a few hundred dollars a week on voice lessons for her and she’s been doing ballet since she could stand. She doesn’t know what real life is. Her hair is in perfect curls. She wears blush when it’s not a special occassion. She has starred in every single production. *Closeted Character Actor (Funny Male Sidekick)* - James is super crazy and fun! He does voices and can sing high! He’s a devoted Catholic and loves his family! All of his friends are girls. His inspirations are Olympia Dukakis and Robin Williams. *Auditioned Only to Have Sex with Everyone (Funny Female Sidekick)* - Marissa is short and loud and has a raspy voice. Her confidence is unearned but that’s okay because that’s all she has. She wears big hoop earrings and asks all of the guys for rides home because ‘her Mom will get out of work late’. *Senior Who Didn’t Get Into Any College Theatre Programs (Old Woman Cameo)* - This is Caroline’s last production before graduation. She has devoted the entirety of her high school experience to acting but will major in Mass Communication in college because that’s sort of like acting, right? She always plays old women because she’s the only girl who isn’t afraid to look ugly onstage. *Theatre Administration Girl (Set Design/Posters/Props/Ensemble)* – Jackie does all of the heavy lifting in hopes that one day her pure enthusiasm will make the director put her in a lead role even though she is awkward and talentless. She wears a Wicked t-shirt and all of her Facebook statuses that aren’t “OPENING NIGHT!! SOOO PROUD!!!” are showtune lyrics. She has frizzy hair and carries a work binder around proudly. She is SO HONORED to portray a townsperson onstage once again and will force inside jokes about the show with her castmates. She will take an exorbitant amount of pictures with everyone at the cast party. *Hooligan (Stage Crew)* – Caleb smokes and blasts Slipknot on his headphones during intermission. His sneakers are too big. He’s lanky and angry. He’s doing this to boost his 1.3 GPA. He is a Parkour enthusiast.