The Eagles Fired Longtime Coach Andy Reid

The sacking came on the NFL's much-hyped "Black Monday" which saw 7 head coaches get the boot. I obtained an exclusive transcript of the conversation between team management and Reid:

Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie: Sorry Andy, but you're fired.Andy Reid: Wood-fired pizza! My favorite!Lurie: No, Andy. It's not pizza time. We have to fire you.Reid: Fire-roasted peppers! That's how you spice up a sub!Lurie: Andy, listen to me. You're no longer the coach of this team.Reid: Remember Team Cheerios?! Those were the best.

At press time, Eagles officials were still trying to break the news to Reid as he really dug into a sandwich.

Kobe Called His Team Old

After being defeated 103-99 by the 76ers, Kobe answered a reporter's question about why his team lost by saying, " 'Cause we're old as shit." This is where I remind you that, despite being 34 years old, Kobe can run for 48 minutes before jumping three times as high as you will ever be able to, in order to dunk a basketball on a regulation height basketball hoop, while two 6-foot tall men try to stop him. But sure, we'll go with "old."

The Queens Park Rangers Beat Chelsea 1-0

In Premier League action, the Queens Park Rangers upset Chelsea, with a 1-nil victory. Admittedly, I'm not soccer expert, but I'm pretty sure my friend's 8-year-old nephew plays on the Queens Park Rangers up in Astoria, so I wouldn't put much faith in Chelsea this year.

Stanford Beat Wisconsin 20-14 In The Rose Bowl

The game, Wisconsin's third consecutive loss in the Rose Bowl, was largely mediocre, with neither team passing for more than 125 yards and only 3 points scored in the second half. But the game had a silver lining, as it produced what very well may be the most American photo ever, shot by West Coast Aerial Photography:
The Ref: Old Kobe, Football, and MORE - Image 1

Jim Boeheim Became College Basketball's Second Winningest Coach Ever

With a Syracuse win on Wednesday night, Jim Boeheim moved into second place on the all-time Division I wins list, with 903 notches on his belt. He passed Bobby Knight and now trails Duke coach Mike "You Krzy For This One" Krzyzewski by 36 wins. After the Syracuse win, Bobby Knight held a press conference demanding that his wins as a coach in the Anger Management Therapy Group Rec League be counted in his overall victory total.

The Washington Redskins Beat The Dallas Cowboys

In a close game, the Redskins bested the Cowboys to win the NFC East crown and advance to the playoffs. The victory decided the division and sent the Redskins to the playoffs for the first time since 2007. Still, though the regular season is over, the battle for the coveted "Most Racist Team Name In Sports" rages on.

The Minnesota Vikings Beat The Packers To Make The Playoffs

After the win, star running back Adrian Peterson announced he wants to play Special Teams throughout the playoffs. "You know, like the 1973 Dolphins, the Montana/Rice 49ers, and Vince Lombardi's Packers," Peterson said. When informed that "special teams" means covering kickoffs and not playing various teams that are actually special, Peterson looked really sad and then cut his interviews short.

Phil Taylor Won His 16th Darts Championship

Darts thrower extraordinaire won his record 16th World Darts Championship, throwing a lot of darts really close to where they were supposed to go to lock up the victory in a match of some sort. According to onlookers, there was a bit of a brouhaha, with Taylor and opponent Raymond van Barneveld being escorted away from each other by security after van Barneveld tried to congratulate Taylor on winning an earlier match. Adorable.

Play of the Week:

GUHHHHH. If you need me I'll be watching this on loop for the next 15 years of my life.