By Alex Watt and Caldwell Tanner
-I’ll be right out. -It’s true, hopefully, and let’s the knocker know that someone is in there. -Someone’s in here. -It’s true, and doesn’t create a timetable that you can’t follow through on. -Occupied. -Depending on the place and what type of crowd it draws, this could either lead to people giving you your space or camping out with you until you’re finished. -Occupadó - For use in el banó. -*Flush* -You won’t run the risk of your voice breaking while you announce your presence, but it’s pretty wasteful if you’re going to end up doing it fifteen more times anyway. -I know this ain’t Heaven’s door, but chill out, Bob Dylan. -Even if they don’t get the reference, they’ll understand why they can’t open the door. Either way, they won’t want to. -Knock it off. -It’s one of the few situations where this actually makes sense. -You shall not pass. -You'd be hard-pressed to find someone with more dignity than Gandalf. This one works even better if you happen to have a staff and magic sword handy. -*Sniff* -If you do it right, it'll sound like you're tending to your nose, if you do it wrong it'll sound like you're crying. If you do it JUST RIGHT, people will think you're doing coke and be hella impressed. - Hold on. - Things aren’t going quite as expected, but you’ve still got this under control. - Hold yer’ Horses! - Best used in honky tonks, or when shitting in barns. -I’ve got a situation developing in here. - Let’s the knocker know that there’s some real shit going down in here. Fun Fact: You may be able to score a few more minutes of peace if it sounds like you’re crying. -Yo. -Short, sweet, and sort of cool. -Elvis has not left the building yet. -Extremely cumbersome, corny, and kind of a stretch, but if someone thinks an uncle is in the bathroom, they’re going to give you some space and time to let things air out. -Did you see “Frasier” last night? -Not everyone watches, or even gets, the Hallmark channel, but it’s nice to meet someone who does. - Don’t eat the Shrimp. - A little Island humor is a great way to force your tormentor to take a “chill” pill. -What? I didn't have any corn! -Time’s running out on people not wanting to quote Austin Powers movies anymore. I mean, right? It just has to be. -OH GOD, THERE’S BLOOD. THERE’S NEVER BLOOD. WHY. WHY IS THERE BLOOD!?! - Don’t worry, at this point they’re probably as scared of you as you are of them. -”The Star-Spangled Banner” -Because freedom isn’t free, and neither is taking a dump at your own pace. -Nothing. -If the lock doesn’t stop a person from coming in, the sight of you on the toilet will.