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Oh man, you love bacon and bacon wrapped/flavored/covered foods? ME TOO. And so does fucking everyone else. It's tasty, smokey meat fat. Saying that you like bacon, as though this is some character-defining trait, specific to you, is like saying that your favorite band is the Beatles. Liking these things isn't even a matter of opinion. It's just a given. So move on.

*Honorary mention: the only thing more annoying than talking about how good bacon is, is saying that you don't like it. If you do that, you're boring and a liar.

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If you answer "maybe" to an event invitation you're saying either, "I might attend your party if there is absolutely nothing better to do on the planet and I'm bored," or, "I know I'm not going, but I fear that outright rejection would irreparably damage your fragile psyche and ruin the party for everyone." And only a real egotistical dick would say that stuff. So, this year, when you receive a Facebook event invitation, instead of being a wishy-washy jerk, do the decent thing: don't respond.

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We can all agree that seeing a car crash is captivating. The inability to look away makes sense. But once the crash is over and all that remains is a heap of broken garbage, continuing to stare is weird. Therefore continuing to pay attention when Linsay Lohan does some new sad, fucked up thing that's remarkably similar to the last sad, fucked up thing she did just makes us look pathetic. This year, let's look away for a bit, give her a chance to repair, and then we can comfortably stare when it all turns to shit again.

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The world in which we live is nothing more than a big pit full of smaller, grosser pits full of constantly cycling germs. So, yes, you have heard that stomach bug Leslie at work got is going around. Because it has been going around since the dawn of human civilization. Language was invented so that people could complain about their ailments and then have other people minimize and dismiss those ailments in one sweeping, "Oh, I hear that's going around." This year, say what you really mean instead: stop whining, you pathetic baby.

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If you do this and you actually have children, it's insulting to your kids. If you do this and you don't have children, it's insulting to children you may one day have, and it just seems really sad. You should definitely love your pet, but you can do that without evoking the image of you birthing a dog. Also, while we're at it, you don't need to try to constantly convey how much you care about your pet. No one is paying attention. Just take a picture of your dog adorably acting like he's people, and post it on Instagram. That is the extent of your pet's value to anyone else.

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Remember all those 80s movies about hulking jock bullies who were constantly seething and shaking their fists at disgusting, weirdo nerds? Complaining about hipsters makes you sound like that. There are only two types of people who complain about hipsters: people who don't realize that they themselves are hipsters, and fuddie-duddies. You're probably not aiming to be either of those things, so you should just stop. Take a cue from the real hipsters and spend this year working hard not to give a fuck.

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Reminder: none of this stuff translates to anything of actual value in real life. The game of these numbers is designed to make you interact with the respective sites in a repetitive way that the owners of these sites can then monetize. Posting a picture of "karma machine" kitten on your "cake day" in order to up your karma level is just a waste of time. Unless it translates into money, what are you doing? If it does translate into money, go for it. You gotta do what you gotta do. But it will probably have a negative effect on your karma.