8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

High-schoolers, college students, and sometimes even adventurous adults in movies always seem to end up playing 'Spin The Bottle' in some wacky, sexual context, and either two guys end up having to kiss each other or the main character guy has to kiss the girl he secretly has a crush on, and it's all sexy and awkward. There's only one catch: In real life, no one's ever played Spin The Bottle! Trust me, I went through high school, and people don't even kiss before they're 19. Let's dial it down a bit on the sexy games, eh Spielberg??


8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

Everyone in movies has such important, fulfilling jobs, but as though that's already not fake enough, they're always in the middle of preparing for the "big presentation" or the "big meeting" so they can get the "big promotion" and move up to a better, higher-paying job. Guess what, Hollywood? NEVER HAPPENS. Trust me – I've been working at the same job for eight years and not only have I never even gotten a cost of living adjustment, I also have numerous formal reprimands on my record and likely will get fired (oh I'm sorry, "let go") if my performance remains subpar. Out here in the Real World, Spielberg, the only people who get promoted are minorities, like my new manager Dave (he's white but I think he's part Canadian and I assume that counts? Whatever.)


8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

If there's one thing that women in movies love soooo much, it is having really steamy-hot sex with an attractive guy. "OH YEAH!" they always scream in ecstasy, "Keep giving me the sex, Leonardo DiCaprio!", enjoying it the whole time until eventually achieving orgasm. Sure, it looks great on film, and we all know that "Sex Sells Things" as I always say, but there's one itty bitty little problem here: In real life, it never happens.

Trust me: I've had sex with half-dozens of ladies in my lifetime, and not only do they never achieve orgasm, they usually barely even enjoy it, often entering into intercourse extremely reluctantly as though they're drunkenly doing you a favor motivated primarily out of pity. Maybe if you took the dollar bills out of your ears, Spielberg, you'd hear that women aren't shouting "OH GOD!", they're actually shouting "Oh God I hope that condom didn't just break, actually Dan can you stop for a second to be safe?" Well SORR-EEE, Coryn, I guess I'm not AVATAR or whatever this "perfect man" is that you seem to want me to be. You reading this, Coryn? You're reading this.


8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

You've all seen those movies where one guy is like "Hey MULTIPLE friends of mine, let's go hit up the bars!" and his friends are like "Yeah man!" then everyone goes out to bar and they have fun and dance and talk to women. Oh what FUN this world we live in is! Uhhhhh…reality check! Never happens.

First off, who has MANY friends, some of whom are attractive, smart women who enjoy your company? Uhh, maybe like E.T.?? Maybe Jaws The Shark? Because I know I don't, because I'm a real human being. Second, who actually enjoys nights out? Music's playing loudly, it's expensive, no one ever talks to you, and your roommate Mike is always like "Jesus, Dan, will you lighten up and quit complaining about the jukebox and saying how overrated the Star Trek reboot was, it's a Friday night and we're just trying to have a good time, you promised us you wouldn't be like this," and you're like "Ohhhh, I'm so sorry, I know you were about to totally NAIL that CHICKEROO in the bathroom, sorry if me correctly pointing out how crappy the new Star Trek movie was 'harked on your game' or whatever, but maybe if you could frickin' HEAR ME over this BON JOVI MUSIC you'd realize that I'm making some pretty stupidly obvious points here" then they say they're going home and ask your girlfriend Coryn if she needs a ride and Coryn's like "Yeah sure, Mike" and then they leave together and you fucking see him open the door for her. So when are we gonna see THAT movie? Oh yeah: NEVER. Carry on, "The Hobbit".


8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

"Hey let's play catch, Dad," says Kevin Costner to his magic ghost dad at the end of Field Of Dreams. "I love you, son," the Dad says to Kevin Costner. Or something. That's not verbatim but it's basically like that. It doesn't really matter that it's not verbatim, though, because any way ya slice it, guess what? The whole "fathers approving of their sons" crap is classic silver-screen BS.

There's a reason that Field Of Dreams is in the FICTION section, and not just because ghosts of dead baseball players come back and play baseball in a cornfield – it's also because fathers never approve of their sons in real life. Sound bitter? Try reading a psychiatry textbook for once, or better yet, I don't even need to do that, because I read a very interesting textbook called MY REAL LIFE. No one ever plays catch in this textbook – instead, the dad's always like "Dan, are you still making those stupid lists of things in movies that bother you? How bout you get a real job, you friggin pussy? No wonder Coryn left you for your roommate Mike." He doesn't say those exact words but that's basically what "How's everything going?" means, when he says it in THAT voice. Ughhhh you HAVE to hear this voice he uses, and you'd know what I'm talking about. You could practically make all these movie dads into Ewoks and they'd be more believable. Yeesh. Buncha Ewok dads.


8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

"I love you." "I love you too." BZZZZZZZZTTTT! HACK ALERT! The most frequently uttered line in movie history is, ironically, something that NO ONE EVER SAYS in real life. Nope! I've even tried saying it to girls I've hung out with a few times, just to test this theory, and they never say it back because guess what (if you're sensing a theme here) MOVIES AREN'T LIFE.

In the real world, people don't grow more and more affectionate toward one another until finally professing a shared mutual love; instead, they grow farther and farther apart, until one day, she stops calling you and ignores all your Facebook messages even though HELLO, I know you saw my message, Coryn, it says "Seen" with a little checkmark by it, because that's how Facebook works! OH, I see you "love" bacon cookies, guess I can't compete with those! Did those bacon cookies also bare their soul to you after your fifth date because that's all the dates they NEEDED to know they loved you lololol seriously what the fuck?


8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

Oh we did it! We blew up the Death Star! Let's have a GRAND OLE HAPPY CELEBRATION cause life ISN'T actually a relentless shit-pipeline just dumping diseased excrement on you every single waking moment of every single day with no recourse except sleep and the occasional decent jerkoff session! Good job, Luke Skywalker! You'd totally be fine in the real world!

IT'S NOT REAL, PEOPLE! THAT'S NOT HOW THINGS WORK…..aaahhhh I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just. It's just that…I guess it's just been a bad couple of weeks, I'll be alright. No seriously I'll be fine. No I'm not crying. Well I am a little it's not like, 'sad' crying, it's just how the…lights, in here are, like, how, it's just like bothering me in this weird light-way, not emotional…yeah. [Sniff] I'M FINE! I'm fine, seriously, it's, it's fine.


8 Things That Happen In Movies But NEVER In Real Life - Image 1

I will die alone.