Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Ref: NFL Playoffs, Lance Armstrong, and MORE
January 11, 2013
Joe Webb Tried To Throw A Football, Mostly Failed
After the Vikings surprisingly scratched starting quarterback Christian Ponder due to an elbow injury, second-string QB Joe Webb attempted to lead the Vikings to victory over the Packers. Unfortunately, his performance left it unclear as to whether he had actually ever played football before, and the Vikings lost handily. The game marked the first time in history my mom has yelled, "C'mon, I could throw better than that!" and actually been correct.
The Texans And Bengals Played The Most Boring Game Of Football Ever
Houston and Cincinnati locked up in a thoroughly mediocre football game. Aside from a good game by Texans running back Arian Foster and a pick-6 by Bengals cornerback Leon Hall, there was little of note in the contest, which the Texans won 19-13. I would love to call this a "defensive" struggle, but neither defense was particularly good. I would love to call it an "offensive" battle, but the only offensive thing was that millions of Americans had to watch this game.
Was Injured Again In Redskins Playoff Loss
Despite re-injuring his knee in the first quarter of his first
playoff game, Robert Griffin
stayed under center for the Redskins, hobbling noticeably as he attempted to avoid further contact. Tragedy struck in the 4th quarter when Griffin suffered another gruesome knee injury attempting to recover a fumble. Suspiciously, Griffin has not been seen since the game, and the Redskins are now selling bottles of "R. Glue
" in their team store.
The Lakers Continued To Struggle
The Los Angeles Lakers continued to limp into 2013, losing [4 or 5] of their first 5 games of the year and dropping to 15-19 on the season. More like the
Angeles Lakers, am I right? (I am right.)
Bill O'Brien Decided To Stay At Penn State
After briefly entering the
coaching discussion, Penn State coach Bill O'Brien opted to stay with the much-maligned football program. "I don't think people understand how sweet this gig is," he told reporters. "I make $2.3 million each year and there is NO
I could mess up worse than the guys who preceded me."
Lance Armstrong Reportedly Debated Admitting To Doping
In a classic case of maybe talking about the elephant in the room, Lance Armstrong's people leaked the fact that the former cycling star is thinking about maybe possibly admitting, in an interview with Oprah, that he might have once maybe won 7 Tour de Frances because he was maybe quite possibly hopped up on blood transfusions and other illicit chemicals. When asked why he hasn't confessed earlier, a source close to Armstrong noted that he just "didn't have the balls to do it."
On January 6th,
owners and players reached a tentative agreement to end the league's lockout and begin a shortened
season on January 19th. So now after months of not being able to watch hockey,you'll finally be able to not watch hockey again!
Hall Of Fame Class Was Announced.
It was nobody.
Alabama Crushed Notre Dame In The
Nick Saban's Crimson Tide beat the Fighting Irish convincingly in the
National Championship, winning by a score of 42-14. In the aftermath of the game it came to light that The Pope had made a few unwise wagers on Notre Dame. In other news, the Catholic church recently passed a decree that yes, it is OK to marry your cousin.
Play of the Week:
When you watch the first of these three alley-oops Chris Paul threw to DeAndre Jordan in a game against the Nuggets this week, you might think it's a little weak. When you watch the second one, you won't think anything because your brain will have melted.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.