QUARTERBACK: This is the guy who throws the ball, or in some cases hands it to one of his teammates. They usually date models or pop starlets.
RUNNINGBACK: These are the guys who either catch or are handed the ball by the quarter back. They're usually slightly less likely to end up with pop starlets, but still do very well for themselves in the dating department.
NICKELBACK: This is the terrible, terrible Canadian band that has no relation to football, though, inexplicably, they also tend to date models and pop starlets.
LINESMEN: These are the human battering rams who smash into each other while all the throwing and handing off and Canadian rock music is going on. Statistically they're the most likely to end up with real housewives of Atlanta.
LINE OF SCRIMMAGE: The line over which the offense and defense face off in their push towards the glowing yellow first down line. Though this yellow line looks very real on TV- it turns out it's actually just the product of a computer manipulation (sort of like the Matrix). Don't ask the stadium attendant where it is unless you want to be made to feel very silly.
SACK: The term for when a Quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage, and the body part of the tackling linesman that is often rested on his facemask for a moment immediately after this happens.
FAIR CATCH: Although it may look like it, he's not waving hello to you- that's just the receiver's way of signaling he'd like to catch the ball without five gigantic guys slamming into him at top speed. This only works on kicks, otherwise almost anyone would be able to play pro-football.
INTERCEPTION: When a player on the defense catches a pass intended for the offense. This has nothing to do with dream invasions- you're thinking of that Leonardo DiCaprio movie No, obviously not Titanic, the other one.
INCOMPLETION: A failed attempt at a pass Like when Billy Zane first tries to lay the charm on with Kate Winslet. What? You're the one who brought up Titanic. You know what? Forget it- no more movie references!
SNAP: Either the act in which the Center hikes the ball back to the QB, or the sound Joe Theisman's leg made when introduced to Lawrence Taylor.
END ZONE: The ZONE at the END of the field. Unlike the line of scrimmage, this one is actually visible in the stadium, but you still shouldn't ask the stadium attendant to see it- he's busy and you really ought to be able to find it yourself.
TOUCHDOWN: When a player catches the ball or runs in into the end zone. This is usually followed by a fancy dance immediately afterwards or, in the case of Jerry Rice, several decades later on a reality show.
EXTRA POINT: When the scoring team follows it up with a kick through the goal posts It's usually pretty anticlimactic, since its almost never followed by fancy dancing.
FIELD GOAL: A 3 point score made by kicking the ball through the uprights. Waaaaay more than 3 times harder than an extra point- but hey life's unfair you know?
SAFETY: Tackling an offensive player in his own end zone. Earns the defending team 2 points. This can also refer to the security and physical wellbeing a player trades away for millions of dollars
TIME OUT: When one of the teams calls for a break to rest and regroup. A good time to reflect on the inherent fragility of life and Joe Theisman's leg.
FUMBLE: When a player carrying the ball drops it. It's horribly painful when it happens to your team, but pretty great when the opposing team does it especially when set to that Benny Hill theme music.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: A pause in the game for commercial sponsorship, such as this video of Joe Theisman's leg breaking, brought to you by the Osteopathic Medicine Group of Greater New York!