TLDNR: 5 Steps to Get Rid of the Person Behind You Right Now - Image 1

We've all been there! You're sitting down at your computer to browse around, play some games, do some shopping, whatever, but then someone up and stands right behind you. They probably don't mean any harm but it's certainly hard to enjoy your time on the computer with Big Brother looking over your shoulder. Here's how to get rid of anyone – a sibling, a parent, a roommate, a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife – in 5 simple steps! Stacy, honey, I'm trying to do that article right now, OK? Just give me a few minutes. Please.
1. Give them the time of day! Maybe the unwanted lurker just has a quick question and doesn't want to interrupt. Turn around and say something like, "Hey! What's up?" More often than not, the lurker will ask a question, you can answer and the situation is resloved in no time. Yeah, I know I spelled it wrong, Stacy. I'll go back and fix it in a minute but I'm trying to get a first draft done. This is how writing works, babe, OK? You're not a writer so you don't really get it. Just hang in the living room and I'll be in when I'm done.
2. If that doesn't work, try letting them know you prefer to browse in private. There's no need to be harsh just yet, but it is important to let the lurker know that they're not welcome standing behind you the way they're doing that. It's not an awkward sentence, Stacy. What would you know about writing? Yeah, well I read, too, and it reads fine to me. You know what, that's why I have an editor, OK? That's what an editor does and you're not an editor so please can you just go watch Top Chef or something and let me finish this stupid article in peace? No, I don't know who got kicked off last week! I don't like that show, just like I don't like how you like standing behind me while I'm fucking working! Too many likes? You're not an editor, Stacy!
3. Why is it bothering me? Because it's inconsiderate, Stacy! #1. You're not helping, like, at all. You're just making my work take longer because I'm distracted. "Pointing out typos" isn't helping me, Stacy. If you wanted to help, you could help yourself to a seat in the living room until I'm done. Oh, and #2. because you're making me ask for privacy there's an implication that I'm going to do something shady once you're gone. And I'm not. That's not fair. I'm trying to get my work done, not watch pron. I KNOW I SPELLED IT WRONG! Why are you doing this? Is it because of the Facebook thing? I logged in as you by accident ONE TIME. It's not like I was hacking your account or something. You freaking saved your name and password to my computer, so how is that my fault?!
4. Jesus fucking Christ! What do you want? Do you want to use the computer, Stacy? Is that what you want? Because we have a fucking iPad that is just sitting there which you could use. You know that, right?! Oh, you need a keyboard? Why? "Cuz it's easier?" I'm trying to write an article for my job, Stacy! My JOB! What are you going to do on the computer? "Look at Etsy stuff?" No. Sorry. I need the computer so you can take the iPad and look at Etsy stuff on that. And Stop. Fucking. Standing. Behind. Me!
5. Compromise! Sometimes it's easiest just to step aside and let Stacy have the computer because, as she pointed out, you're a much better typer on the iPad and you were being selfish.
-Sent from my iPad

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