By Matt Garczynski
You may have noticed that you can no longer access any social media platform. I guessed your password and hijacked your accounts. I have already taken the liberty of telling all your Facebook friends you like dick very very much. Do exactly as I say and you get the chance to convince them otherwise. One little misstep and I Snapchat a picture of my own dick, with little hearts around it, to your friends and loved ones. You have one hour to leave $500 in unmarked Amazon gift cards behind the toilet at a certain cafe you are the Foursquare mayor of. If I see cops, I attack your mom and dad’s artisanal cheese shop with negative Yelp reviews. Every minute my demands aren’t met, I will Tumbl your another gem from your Reddit account comment history. And I don’t 100% know what Pinterest is, but I’ll be sure to Pinterest dick stuff to all your Pinterest Pals or whatever.
Your move, Greg.
PS - Don’t deactivate your accounts or I’ll kidnap and murder you.