The NHL Started Its Short SeasonThe National Hockey League kicked off its 48-game 2013 season. The season will be a short one, since the owners and players spent months embroiled in a lockout. Also short in the NHL: Nathan Gerbe , Peter Laviolette's temper, and my attention span.
Kobe And LeBron Were The NBA's Highest Paid PlayersForbes' annual ranking of top earners revealed that Kobe Bryant and LeBron James are the highest-earning basketball players in the NBA, each earning nearly $60 million annually. The two players' wealth seems only right, given their birth names: Kobe is named after expensive Japanese Kobe Beef and LeBron is named after priceless French Brontosaurus meat.
Tom Brady And The Patriots Lost To The RavensOur long national nightmare is over, as Bill Belichick's Patriots were eliminated for the playoffs. "Thank God Tom Brady, that jerk, didn't make the Super Bowl. He's a pretty boy and he has a successful wife, which I resent" said one man, ignoring the fact that noted murderer Ray Lewis will play in the Championship in Brady's stead.
An NFL Fan Trademarked The Term "Harbowl"As brothers John Harbaugh and Jim Harbough prepared to coach against each other in the Super Bowl, the NFL discovered that an industrious fan had preemptively trademarked the term "Harbowl." The league pressured the fan to relinquish the trademarks, leading to an ugly legal battle. Luckily, the matter was dismissed when it turned out that the trademark holder was just a southern guy who likes cats trying to trademark the term "Hairball."
Jerry Rice Accused A Former Coach Of Sabotaging The Super Bowl In 2002NFL fans were shocked to hear former wide receiver star Jerry Rice support a former teammate's claims that past Raiders coach Bill Callahan intentionally sabotaged his team in the 2002 Super Bowl. Rice claimed that animosity between Callahan and the team prompted him to throw the game. It is, without a doubt, the biggest scandal Rice has been involved in since he accused Anna Trebunskaya of throwing the final dance-off against Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke on Season 2 of Dancing With The Stars.
Rumors Circulated That Dwight Howard Wants To Leave The LakersAs the Lakers continued to struggle, rumors began to swirl that Dwight Howard, the team's biggest offseason acquisition, doesn't have a long future in Los Angeles. Things don't look good for Howard, who is having his worst season in years. Looks like he'll have to fall back on his part time job of being the obnoxious man inside the "Cleatus the Fox Sports Robot" suit.
Tiger Woods Missed The Cut At Abu DhabiThe headline-making golfer shockingly failed to qualify for the third day at the Abu Dhabi HSBC Golf Championship after violating a ball-drop rule and taking a 2 stroke penalty. It was an unexpected mistake by the world's #2 golfer, but one that makes much more sense when you remember that the ol' "ball-drop two stroke" was Woods' favorite order at the Bunny Ranch in Las Vegas.
19-year-old Sloane Stephens Upset Serena Williams In The Australian Open QuarterfinalsThe young American defeated her seemingly unbeatable elder to advance to the tournament's semifinals. Serena, who struggled with injuries throughout the Open, smashed her racket in anger, earning a $1,500 fine. "FINE?" said Williams. "SERENA SMASH! SERENA SMASH RACKET HARD MAKE TENNIS GOODER." After the match, Serena ate Sloane Stephens in three bites.
Play Of The Week:
This week's play of the week is the promo spot for the big game coming up: The Puppy Bowl. Let's break it down for some real talk right now. The fact that there are hedgehogs in skirts as cheerleaders is brilliant. But the cat halftime show? C'mon. Really stretching things here, Animal Planet. Yeah, I said it.