Every week comedian Will Hines shares the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.
Drugs are great, right? Actually I wouldn't know because I am terrible at them.
Meaning, my body doesn't seem to enjoy them as designed. A combination of being scared of breaking rules, emotional repression and some probably shitty body chemistry makes me terrible at altering my state. Which bums me out, as I grew up worshipping people who made a big deal out of loving drugs: Keith Richards, Hunter S. Thompson and most attractive girls at my college.
If I may oversimplify a complicated social issue into a still-kinda-true topic sentence: Drugs are fun but also intimidating. Most are illegal, and have at least some risk of physical harm, perhaps a lot. To enjoy them, even in the most progressive environments, takes an emotional and physical leap of faith. I have no such faith. I'm scared of everything. And I have the constitution of a leaf. I get bruised if I overhear a conversation about punching. But I do love 1960s guitar rock and 1970s short stories both of which are filled with references to cool drugs.
So I've tried things. But alas, running through the major categories of drugs is a decathalon of chemical failure.
Speed and amphetamines: never really tried them except freshman year when I took a double dose of Vivran (caffeine in a pill) so I could stay up late and finish a particularly onerous drafting assignment. Drafting. Literally the squarest of all possible all-nighters.
I suppose coffee is a sort of muted version of speed, and I do love drinking it. Though if I have more than three cups in a 24-hour period I develop the digestive system of a bird. A bird with diarrhea.
Smoking I never did. I'm straight-up allergic to looking cool.
Alcohol! I suppose because it's legal I don't have an emotional inhibition for this. But I've had to cut this out as I can't tolerate the hangovers. If I drink too much, I'll have a physical hangover for a full day. And the emotional hangover of general guilt and sadness would last at most recent count: 22 years. So no more of that.
Marijuana is, anecdotally at least, the most fun drug with the least physical consequences, but I never was able to enjoy it. First of all, I waited until I was 30 to try it. Even then the only reason I experimented was because I took an improv comedy class and met a kid named Frankie who vowed to "smoke me up" because "it would be hilarious." He did indeed get me stoned, and I discovered that being on pot actually made my brain MORE logical. While high, I watched old episodes of Three's Company and wrote down what I considered logical flaws in the script. 1960s Woodstock, look out!