Every week comedian Will Hines shares the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.
Drugs are great, right? Actually I wouldn't know because I am terrible at them. Meaning, my body doesn't seem to enjoy them as designed. A combination of being scared of breaking rules, emotional repression and some probably shitty body chemistry makes me terrible at altering my state. Which bums me out, as I grew up worshipping people who made a big deal out of loving drugs: Keith Richards, Hunter S. Thompson and most attractive girls at my college. If I may oversimplify a complicated social issue into a still-kinda-true topic sentence: Drugs are fun but also intimidating. Most are illegal, and have at least some risk of physical harm, perhaps a lot. To enjoy them, even in the most progressive environments, takes an emotional and physical leap of faith. I have no such faith. I'm scared of everything. And I have the constitution of a leaf. I get bruised if I overhear a conversation about punching. But I do love 1960s guitar rock and 1970s short stories — both of which are filled with references to cool drugs. So I've tried things. But alas, running through the major categories of drugs is a decathalon of chemical failure. Speed and amphetamines: never really tried them except freshman year when I took a double dose of Vivran (caffeine in a pill) so I could stay up late and finish a particularly onerous drafting assignment. Drafting. Literally the squarest of all possible all-nighters.
I suppose coffee is a sort of muted version of speed, and I do love drinking it. Though if I have more than three cups in a 24-hour period I develop the digestive system of a bird. A bird with diarrhea. Smoking I never did. I'm straight-up allergic to looking cool. Alcohol! I suppose because it's legal I don't have an emotional inhibition for this. But I've had to cut this out as I can't tolerate the hangovers. If I drink too much, I'll have a physical hangover for a full day. And the emotional hangover of general guilt and sadness would last at most recent count: 22 years. So no more of that. Marijuana is, anecdotally at least, the most fun drug with the least physical consequences, but I never was able to enjoy it. First of all, I waited until I was 30 to try it. Even then the only reason I experimented was because I took an improv comedy class and met a kid named Frankie who vowed to "smoke me up" because "it would be hilarious." He did indeed get me stoned, and I discovered that being on pot actually made my brain MORE logical. While high, I watched old episodes of Three's Company and wrote down what I considered logical flaws in the script. 1960s Woodstock, look out!