By Mike Trapp
FROM: Regus Flibbletibble, Head of Admissions
TO: Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster
RE: Admission Process
As you know, it is now nearly the end of January and it is time for us to select the incoming members of the Hogwarts class of 2017. Yet again, I find myself writing the same letter I have written every year since I first took up the position as Dean of Admissions at Hogwarts. Mr. Dumbledore, I beg you, please let students actually APPLY to our school.
You see, at most schools -- normal schools -- it is the students’ responsibility to come to us if they are interested in matriculating. But for some reason you insist on this system that requires me to consider EVERY child as a prospective student.
Do you realize how terribly inefficient this is? I’ll admit right now, I don’t do my job properly. I don’t consider every child. Not even close. I just pick names randomly and see if they seem “magicky” enough until the class is full. I’ve DEFINITELY let in hundreds of undeserving students (or as you call them “Hufflepuffs”). Have you ever wondered why there aren’t any international students here? It’s enough work to consider every child in the United Kingdom without adding the rest of bloody world into the mix.
And why, Mr. Dumbledore, why do you insist that I send out rejection letters too? It’s heart-breaking. These students are just minding their own business when an owl swings in with a letter that says we hate them. They didn’t ask for that! They don’t need to know that! They would have remained blissfully ignorant of Hogwarts, and lived happy lives. And I would have had a little more free time to do my job properly (and, again, I’m cutting a lot of corners).
Don’t even get me started on the wait-listed kids. Do you know how many students we accept off the wait-list? None. No one turns down an invitation to Hogwarts! It’s a magical ivory tower! The wait-listed students just wait and wait and wonder why they weren’t quite good enough to get in. I’ll tell you why: it was late and I was tired of looking randomly for hidden wizards.
I’m breaking a lot of laws to find out the information I need about these students. Terrible invasions of privacy. And at the end of the day I’ve barely scraped the surface. At the risk of overstatement, if we had a more traditional application process, we might have avoided instructing a certain you-know-who in powers that could have destroyed us all.
I’m almost certain that this entreaty will once again fall on deaf ears, but if you care at all about my well-being, our students, possibly even the future of the magic world, I urge you to let these students apply for themselves.
Also I think we should use the common app.
Dean of Admissions
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry