Predicting The Best Super Bowl Commercials Before They Air - Image 2

Man, forlorn, ponders the human condition. This isn't just any man. It's Atlas! And he's not really forlorn from carrying the weight of the world; he's just hungry! There's no lunch break on his job: Atlasing. Now he can snack on the go with Chipotle BBQ Low-Calorie Chip-Like Wafer Snack.

Sun-scorched man lost in the desert. He wobbles, smacks his parched lips. He doesn't have long. What's that on the horizon? A swimming pool with attractive women and coolers of ice-cold Beer! This is his final hallucination before he dies of heat stroke.

Car. Driving fast. Driving on a racetrack past scientists who drop their clipboards, because who knew Car could drive THIS fast? Not even scientists knew that.

Other Car. Driving fast. Driving on a curvy road in a foreign country. Who knew Other Car could drive THIS fast in THIS foreign of a country.

Polar Bear on Polar Ice Cap. This adorable scene turns tragic when Polar Ice Cap starts melting. Polar Bear paces nervously. As a last resort, Polar Bear snaps open Soda. Soda streams from all directions, lifting him into a spinning Polar Bear nirvana. Did Soda just cure climate change?

Predicting The Best Super Bowl Commercials Before They Air - Image 2

We pause the review for a social experiment. What would happen if the viewers made the commercials? Dangle a prize and watch the mice dance for it. Give the mice creative freedom, and receive videos of people getting injured. Severely. In the groin. Laugh as the mice turn next to Kickstarter to fund their web series.

Trenches. Mid to late World War 1. Let's call it 1916. Battle of Somme, the first one. But that's all backstory. Trench warfare causes stress and stress leads to indigestion. Slow zoom on Antacid as Star Spangled Banner plays on a symphony of toilet flushes. Our soldiers are safe! (From indigestion, not shrapnel.)

Talking babies, costumed monkeys and bouncing breasts in a perfectly choreographed flash dance mob. Enter ironic celebrity. Only there's a catch. All the ironic celebrities have been used up in past Super Bowl commercials so this time it's an unironic celebrity because isn't that more ironic if ironic celebrities have become the expectation? Oh the ad was for Batteries. Or Candy Bars.

Women. Smiling and giggling. Hey, women are at Super Bowl parties too! And these women are smiling and giggling because they enjoy using Women's Product so much. It asserts their womanhood. It also asserts their womanhood to throw pillows around and fall on beds. And to keep giggling. At nothing? Actually these women are drugged. Yep, several of them are drooling. Institutionalized women need Women's Product too.

Predicting The Best Super Bowl Commercials Before They Air - Image 2

Blinking cursor on Popular Internet Search Engine. Romantic music as words scroll across the search bar: "Study Abroad, Paris." Next: "Translate: 'J'ai un petite ami." This means "I have a boyfriend." Next he searches: "Ways out of the friend zone." Answer: "Don't give up!" Next:'Translate: 'ArrĂȘter de me traquer.' This means: 'Stop stalking me.' He opens a new browser tab and reactivates his OKCupid account.

A dreary cityscape. Shot in black and white. A flock of unremarkable birds flies away. Even they have no use for this city. We don't see the birds, because we were blind to this decline. There is a stark beauty to this. All of a sudden the commercial remembers it's a commercial and the last five seconds are about Reinforced-Seal Sandwich Bags.


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