What Will Definitely Happen When I Go to This Cool Nightclub - Image 1

A packed club. Two VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRLS are gathered at the bar, avoiding all ATTRACTIVE, ATHLETIC GUYS.

GIRL 1: Ugh. I'm so sick of dudes thinking they can just like… talk to me because they're fit and masculine and attractive and in high paying, high power jobs and have really good social skills and are nice and would make good boyfriends and have awesome, thoroughly satisfying sex with me.

GIRL 2: I mean… where are all the guys who got beat up at a Third Eye Blind concert in eighth grade?

GIRL 1: Seriously.

GIRL 2: Or, like, the guys who got called gay in fifth grade for saying "No Strings Attached" by *NSYNC was their favorite album?

GIRL 1: Or the guys with BOTH those things?

GIRL 2: Ha! Yeah. Right. A girl can dream.

GIRL 1: Is that really too much to ask?

GIRL 2: Once again it looks like it is. Oh well, let's just call it a night and go see if anyone's tweeted anything about comedy podcasts.

GIRL 1: Sounds like a plan. If we can't actually FIND the guys of our dreams, at least we can admire them from afar, and then take it from there, sexual fantasy-wise.

WILL enters the club, dropping and then picking up his wallet off the floor after proudly paying the cover charge in EXACT CHANGE. He blocks the entrance for a brief, sexual moment.

GIRL 1: Wait, wait, wait. Twelve o'clock. Um… do you see what I see?

GIRL 2: Oh my god… The hottie in the striped button down?

GIRL 1: That's the one.

GIRL 2: Jesus… you can tell he's hot because it's striped.

GIRL 1: And because he tried to iron it.

GIRL 2: But gave up halfway through.

GIRL 1: I don't blame him, it's harder than you'd think.

GIRL 2: Totally.

GIRL 1: But the LOOK. Casual. Unkempt. Sexy.


GIRL 1: Now that's a guy you can TELL does twenty minutes on the elliptical once a week.

GIRL 2: Which is all you need to lose weight.

GIRL 1: Right. I think.

GIRL 2: Mmm and he's got TWO buttons unbuttoned. He doesn't give a SHIT.

GIRL 1: Wait are those what I think they are?

GIRL 2: Yep, grey jeans he bought a few days ago and hasn't washed yet.

GIRL 1: I mean why bother.

GIRL 2: They're new, they look fresh. Absolutely.

GIRL 1: Sign. Me. Up.

GIRL 2: Ooo and what is going on with his hair? Is that gel?

GIRL 1: Wax! It's wax.

GIRL 2: Ah yes, I can understand the distinction, even in this light. It looks so much more… full-bodied.

GIRL 1: Holy shit, that makes all the difference for me to want to do sex stuff with him, which I do right now.

WILL takes out his phone.

GIRL 1: Is it just me, or did scrolling through your old text messages suddenly become really sexy?

GIRL 2: Not as sexy as…. yep, starting a new game of Temple Run for five seconds, realizing what you're doing in a public, social setting, and then putting away your phone in shame.

GIRL 1: Wow.

GIRL 2: Perfect man alert.

GIRL 1: If he comes over here and orders, like, the cheapest beer they've got, I don't even know what I'm going to do. He just seems so… sensible about these things. Somebody fan me.

GIRL 2: Wait, wait – stop, I can't let myself get carried away and imagine all these insane, unreasonable things about this random guy who I haven't even met. That's just asking to be let down, right?

GIRL 1: Well I mean, don't be crazy about it. It's not like he's still sore from some free yoga class he maybe tried four days ago or whatever.

GIRL 2: Or went to the emergency room once after he fell off a Razor scooter. Right. Got it. Ugh, snap out of it!

GIRL 1: OK now SHUT UP. He's heading this way. Act natural.

The VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRLS start talking and laughing amongst themselves. WILL walks up to the bar, thinks about what to order, and notices the GIRLS. He pretends not to see them, then slowly steps toward GIRL 2.

GIRL 2: (to WILL, rudely and disinterested) Um, yeah, hi? You're, like, staring at me?

WILL: Oh I was, just – I was about to buy a drink, and I was wondering if I could actually buy you something-

GIRL 2: Umm… I already have a drink…?

GIRL 1 (under her breath, trying not to laugh): Oh my god, weird…

WILL: Oh, yeah. Of course. I'm sorry.

GIRL 2 (laughing): Um YAH. Byeeeeeee.

WILL: OK… Bye.

WILL takes out his phone, walks toward the dance floor, looks around, and then, dejected, exits the club. GIRL 2 bursts into tears.


GIRL 1: What the hell happened?!?


GIRL 1: It's OK, it's OK. You know, sometimes tragedies happen and that's just life telling you to appreciate the good times.

GIRL 2 (through her tears): He must be so good at Temple Run…

GIRL 1: I guess we'll have to settle for some of these evolutionarily pleasing mates.

GIRL 2 (wiping her eyes): Ugh. Settle indeed.