GIRL 1: Ugh. I'm so sick of dudes thinking they can just like
talk to me because they're fit and masculine and attractive and in high paying, high power jobs and have really good social skills and are nice and would make good boyfriends and have awesome, thoroughly satisfying sex with me.
GIRL 2: I mean
where are all the guys who got beat up at a Third Eye Blind concert in eighth grade?
GIRL 1: Seriously.
GIRL 2: Or, like, the guys who got called gay in fifth grade for saying "No Strings Attached" by *NSYNC was their favorite album?
GIRL 1: Or the guys with BOTH those things?
GIRL 2: Ha! Yeah. Right. A girl can dream.
GIRL 1: Is that really too much to ask?
GIRL 2: Once again it looks like it is. Oh well, let's just call it a night and go see if anyone's tweeted anything about comedy podcasts.
GIRL 1: Sounds like a plan. If we can't actually FIND the guys of our dreams, at least we can admire them from afar, and then take it from there, sexual fantasy-wise. br> br>
GIRL 1: Wait, wait, wait. Twelve o'clock. Um
do you see what I see?
GIRL 2: Oh my god
The hottie in the striped button down?
GIRL 1: That's the one.
GIRL 2: Jesus
you can tell he's hot because it's striped.
GIRL 1: And because he tried to iron it.
GIRL 2: But gave up halfway through.
GIRL 1: I don't blame him, it's harder than you'd think.
GIRL 2: Totally.
GIRL 1: But the LOOK. Casual. Unkempt. Sexy.
GIRL 2: YES.
GIRL 1: Now that's a guy you can TELL does twenty minutes on the elliptical once a week.
GIRL 2: Which is all you need to lose weight.
GIRL 1: Right. I think.
GIRL 2: Mmm and he's got TWO buttons unbuttoned. He doesn't give a SHIT.
GIRL 1: Wait are those what I think they are?
GIRL 2: Yep, grey jeans he bought a few days ago and hasn't washed yet.
GIRL 1: I mean why bother.
GIRL 2: They're new, they look fresh. Absolutely.
GIRL 1: Sign. Me. Up.
GIRL 2: Ooo and what is going on with his hair? Is that gel?
GIRL 1: Wax! It's wax.
GIRL 2: Ah yes, I can understand the distinction, even in this light. It looks so much more
GIRL 1: Holy shit, that makes all the difference for me to want to do sex stuff with him, which I do right now. br> br>
GIRL 1: Is it just me, or did scrolling through your old text messages suddenly become really sexy?
GIRL 2: Not as sexy as
. yep, starting a new game of Temple Run for five seconds, realizing what you're doing in a public, social setting, and then putting away your phone in shame.
GIRL 1: Wow.
GIRL 2: Perfect man alert.
GIRL 1: If he comes over here and orders, like, the cheapest beer they've got, I don't even know what I'm going to do. He just seems so
sensible about these things. Somebody fan me.
GIRL 2: Wait, wait stop, I can't let myself get carried away and imagine all these insane, unreasonable things about this random guy who I haven't even met. That's just asking to be let down, right?
GIRL 1: Well I mean, don't be crazy about it. It's not like he's still sore from some free yoga class he maybe tried four days ago or whatever.
GIRL 2: Or went to the emergency room once after he fell off a Razor scooter. Right. Got it. Ugh, snap out of it!
GIRL 1: OK now SHUT UP. He's heading this way. Act natural. br> br>
GIRL 2: (to WILL, rudely and disinterested) Um, yeah, hi? You're, like, staring at me?
WILL: Oh I was, just I was about to buy a drink, and I was wondering if I could actually buy you something-
GIRL 2: Umm
I already have a drink
GIRL 1 (under her breath, trying not to laugh): Oh my god, weird
WILL: Oh, yeah. Of course. I'm sorry.
GIRL 2 (laughing): Um YAH. Byeeeeeee.
Bye. br> br>
GIRL 2: OH MY GOD I RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!
GIRL 1: What the hell happened?!?
GIRL 2: I DON'T KNOW, I WAS TRYING TO BE FUN AND FLIRTY!!!!!
GIRL 1: It's OK, it's OK. You know, sometimes tragedies happen and that's just life telling you to appreciate the good times.
GIRL 2 (through her tears): He must be so good at Temple Run
GIRL 1: I guess we'll have to settle for some of these evolutionarily pleasing mates.
GIRL 2 (wiping her eyes): Ugh. Settle indeed.