How Ill Use the Technology of the Future - Image 1

Me: Kyle, thanks for coming over. I'm having trouble with my ThoughtSphere and I know you young people really know how this stuff works.

Kyle: Yeah, sure, Grandpa.

Me: THANK YOU! I can't figure out how to get into the Collective Hive Mind.

Kyle: Okay, go to your Living Room.

Me: We're in the living room.

Kyle: No, your "Living Room." That's what you call the state of mental calm you need to be in to access all points on the ThoughtSphere and use your preferred BrainTap to access the CHM.

Me: This is hard.

Kyle: It's right there, grandpa. It's that base-line level of consciousness. You know, where you're not quite sure whether you're awake or asleep. Are you there?

Me: I think so.

Kyle: Ok, now what BrainTap do you use? AlphaSlug or Flerm?

Me: I don't know. I think it's that one that makes me remember the smell of old books.

Kyle: Ugh. Craniol? That's a terrible BrainTap. I'll ForceThink you a better one.

Me: NO! I'm used to this one!

Kyle: Alright, fine. Now just double-think Craniol.

Me: How do I do that?

Kyle: Just think about the smell of old books twice.

Me: What do you mean think about it twice?

Kyle: Think about it, then think about it again quickly.

Me: Okay. It's not doing anything.

Kyle: You probably didn't think fast enough the second time.

Me: Alright… I think it's working. I'm can hear the sound of 2,000 chattering teeth and experience the feeling of ground beef between my fingers.

Kyle: Yeah, you can ignore that.

Me: Why? What is it doing?

Kyle: Nothing. You're hearing those things because you use Craniol. It comes built in with all these sense-prompts that are ostensibly for convenience, but it just sort of clutters everything up and creates an unshakable sense of confusion and anxiety. Are you sure you don't want me ForceThink you Flerm?

Me: YES! It's fine!

Kyle: Alright, well you should have access to the Collective Hive Mind now.

Me: Oh, good!

Kyle: What is it you want to do? You can access the memory of any person, living or dead, by triple-thinking Hiztorienz, or you can vicariously experience anything imaginable through Empathon. Or did you want to relive the happiest moments of your life? Mom said that's why you wanted to get the ThoughtSphere.

Me: I'm trying to find porn.


Stock photos from Shutterstock