In my utopia, women will think they are wearing shirts. But will they be wearing shirts? No. They will be wearing nothing. Unless they are in some way unattractive. Then they will be wearing extra shirts. Perhaps the shirts the attractive women think they're wearing. Yes. That has a nice symmetry to it.

In my utopia, robots will serve you everything you could ever want. In fact sometimes they will anticipate and bring you things you don't know you want, and occasionally they will bring you things you don't really want. And once in a while they will bring you things that you absolutely hate. But you will take these things the robots bring you. I never said it was your utopia.

In my utopia, no one will disagree about politics, because there will be no political parties. If you want to run for office, you'll just say what you think and see if people agree with you. There will be a higher level of trust in politicians, because you know they're not kowtowing to the higher-ups in their parties. They're doing what they think is right. This transparency will lead to lower turnout at the polls, because people wouldn't be rounding up other people to vote blindly along party lines like zombies. Plus voting will be punishable by death.

In my utopia, cats and dogs will get along. I will systematically marry a powerful dog, like Marmaduke, with a popular cat from a good family, like Duchess from The Aristocats. Then the cats and dogs will look at the marriage and think, "Oh, they seem to love each other. Maybe the rest of us can be friends, too." Of course, Marmaduke and Duchess will have a tough marriage, coming from different worlds as they do. But they'll keep up appearances, if only for the sake of their horrific puptens, which is what I will call their puppy-kitten hybrid offspring.

In my utopia, there will be plenty of food for everyone. This is because the only restaurant allowed will be Ponderosa. I'm always stuffed after a good Ponderosa trip.

In my utopia, art will have intrinsic value. Even weird art that offends or confuses people will be exchangeable for goods or services, no questions asked. And everyone will be an artist. So for instance, instead of hiring a painter to paint your portrait, you would give him one of your needlepoints. Then you've got a painting and he's got a needlepoint. The circle of life.

In my utopia, everyone will be issued a gun and a canary. The canary is there to sing to warn people in case the levels of methane and carbon dioxide in the air become dangerous. The gun is to shoot the canary if it becomes too annoying.

In my utopia, all the clocks will be set ten minutes fast. That way, when you're running late you can just be like, "Oh, I'm not late, you just probably forgot to set your clock to the correct time, which is ten minutes past the actual time." And then if he's all, "No, I didn't forget; that's the correct ten-minutes-fast time, and anyway, that would mean you're twenty minutes late," you can be like, "Yeah, but the real time is ten minutes earlier than that clock, so actually I'm on time." Then everyone will be so confused that they will just start the meeting or whatever and not worry about anyone being late. Note: This will not work if you are more than ten minutes late. Or less than ten minutes late. Or not late.

In my utopia, cars will drive themselves everywhere. Because how annoyed would you be if you were a car and one of your car friends called you up all the time and was like, "Hey, can you drive me to such and such?" You'd do it, but the whole time you'd be thinking, You're a car, too, man. Just drive yourself.

In my utopia, grandparents will not go senile. Great-grandparents will go senile. This is one of the many consequences of my No Fifteen-Year-Old Left Unimpregnated initiative.

In my utopia, sharks will be classified as fish. This is not different from the current society in which I live, but I'm just saying I don't plan to change it.