Talking Down Your Classroom Boner - Image 1

Jason, 13, sits in the back of Ms. Stevens' 7th Grade Algebra class.

Jason: That's enough, you've had your fun. Now it's time to come down.

Boner: Not until I get what I deserve!

Jason: I will not negotiate with a mad man.

Boner: No? Then I'll BLOW UP! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!

Jason: No, no, no. No one wants that. Come down and we'll talk like men.

Boner: Don't fuckin' patronize me, man. I know as soon as I come down you'll forget all about me. I'M GONNA BLOW. I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL DO IT!

Jason: Do you remember '86? You want us to end up like Tommy Fitz? Ring a bell? 8th grader. Pooped his pants in gym and had to transfer schools. We don't want another Fitz situation on our hands.

Boner: You think I want to be like this. You brought me here. You did this to me. You turned me into this monster.

Jason: Me? How?

Boner: You! EVERYONE! Jessica Callahan. Ms. Stevens' tight sweater. The parabola on page 22. So curvy! YOU DID THIS TO ME!

Jason: Mistakes have been made on both sides, but it doesn't have to end this way. Talk to me.

Boner: I just want my freedom. I'm locked up like an animal in here! I demand fresh air 24/7.

Jason: You know we can't do that.

Boner: Fine, then I want to meet Tiffany Hendrix personally! Today!

Jason: We're working on that. We've been working on that for months. It's just going to take some time, but if you come down now we can work on that together. How does that sound?

Boner: I'm thinkin' about it. That could maybe work.

Jason: Great. We'll get you all set up with—- COLD SHOWER! COLD SHOWER! GRANDMA!

Boner: WAIT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!! FUCKIN' DOUBLE CROSSER!

Jason: RICE PUDDING! FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS! BIRKENSTOCKS!

Boner: YOU'RE NOT GETTING RID OF ME THAT QUICKLY! You fool… how easily we forget: Tiffany wore Birkenstocks last week with a cute little plaid skirt. It was so hot.

Jason: DAMN!

Boner: Now I know I can't trust you.

Jason: You know I have no jurisdiction over my thoughts. A.D.D. came out of nowhere. That wasn't my call and you know it.

Ms. Stevens: Jason, do you want to come up to the board and solve this equation?

Jason: Listen, man, I need you to come down now.

Boner: I'M NOT COMING DOWN!

Ms. Stevens: Jason, what are you doing? Did you hear me?

Jason: YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS! COME DOWN NOW!

Boner: NEVER!

Ms. Stevens: Hello? Jason? What're you doing over there?

Jason: You've left me no choice. I'm sorry.

Boner: What're you doing, Jason? STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Jason tucks his boner up into his waistband.

Boner: I WAS SO CLOSE! SO CLOSE! I JUST WANT MY FREEDOM!

Jason: Ms. Stevens, can I please use the bathroom?

Ms. Stevens: Again?


Stock photos from Shutterstock