Europol Found Over 680 Soccer Games May Have Been Fixed Since 2008

A report from Europe's police (I assume that's what Europol is) found that almost 700 soccer games had 'suspicious' qualities, suggesting that the soccer matches may have been fixed. These suspicious qualities include players being seriously hurt from non-existent injuries, and many games in which neither team scores a goal.

Cardinals Pitcher Chris Carpenter Will Miss 2013 Season With Thoracic Outlet Syndrome

Apparently Thoracic Outlet Syndrome is a rare injury that causes neck pain and numbness in the fingertips, and it will cause Chris Carpenter to miss baseball's 2013 season. This is much less fun than my original interpretation of the story, which was that Chris Carpenter formed a jam band called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome and was taking a year off to "do the whole festival thing."

Bountygate Coach Gregg Williams Was Reinstated, Hired

Immediately after the NFL reinstated coach Gregg Williams, who had been banned from the NFL for his involvement in the New Orleans Saints bounty scandal, the Tennessee Titans hired him. I guess it's true what they say: Bounty does make for a quicker picker-upper.
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The Super Bowl Happened:

  • *Half Of The Superdome Hit With 30-Minute Blackout*The other half, when reached for comment, had this to say: "I'm FINE, man. I had, like, two beersh. I can drive."
  • Beyonce Performed At HalftimeThe show was great, but it was a little weird that the long-rumored "Destiny's Child reunion" turned out to be Beyonce holding up Blue Ivy and saying "One day, Blue Ivy, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new queen. Everything the light touches will be yours."
  • *People Watched Commercials*Look at all this stuff! You should buy some of this stuff!
  • Joe Flacco Dropped An F-Bomb"I can't believe we won the flippin' Super Bowl," shouted notably boring quarterback Joe Flacco. "We did it, Pa! The mutter flippin' Super Bowl!"
  • *The 49ers Came Back, But The Ravens Eventually Won*Er, I guess I should have spoiler alerted you on that Joe Flacco joke. Anyway, the Ravens won, nobody was all that excited about it outside of Baltimore, and now we're stuck without football for practically forever. Nice work, everybody.

Metta World Peace Punched Brandon Knight

In a bit of a "meta" story (get it?), the basketball player formerly known as Ron Artest got in a fight during a basketball game. USA Today writes: "World Peace grabbed Knight around the neck and waist and got in a little jab to Knight's jaw. When the two were separated, Detroit's Jason Maxiell and World Peace began shouting each other." No jokes, folks, you can't make this shit up.

The New York Rangers Traded Enforcer Mike Rupp To The Wild

When he was informed of the trade, the brawler reportedly donned a weird, hardly-explained mask that made his voice barely intelligent and shouted, "I was born in the wild." Then he fought Batman.
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The Dallas Mavericks Decided To Grow Beards Until The Team Is .500 Again

The 21-28 Mavericks made a pact not to trim their facial hair until the team has a winning record. We'll see how well this works out, though. The last time a team attempted to do this, the Supersonics spent the entire 2007-2008 season tripping over their enormous, Rip Van Winkle-length beards, and were forced to leave Seattle.

Play of the Week:

Think you're having a rough day? Mirza Teletovic airballed three consecutive shots on Wednesday night against the Detroit Pistons. Then again, he's still making $3 million this year, so his day probably wasn't even that rough, in the grand scheme of things.