The Popes Exit Interview Questionnaire - Image 2

This morning, Pope Benedict XVI shocked Catholics around the world by announcing that he would resign at the end of this month, making him only the second pope in history to do so. Surprisingly, there is in fact protocol for these things.

What is your primary reason for leaving?

Offered new employment.

What additional reasons contributed to your leaving?

  • Old age
  • Wanted change of pace/vacation time
  • Workplace frustrations (limitations of the Apostolic See, lack of general upkeep of my cathedral the Archbasilica of St. John Lateran)
  • Toxic work environment (Craig)

What was most satisfying about your job?

  • Being preserved from the possibility of error
  • Authority over the Sacred Magisterium as spiritual successor to St. Peter the Apostle
  • Bagel Fridays

What was least satisfying about your job?

  • Lack of benefits / opportunity for advancement
  • Dealing with my pope hat, widespread sexual abuse scandal, etc.
  • Co-workers (Craig)

Did you receive enough training to do your job effectively?

Yes. Learned Twitter, also some Excel shortcuts. Rest was in papal doctrine.

Have you been offered new employment? If so, what is it?

Yes. Social Media Coordinator for Sprite. I'll be in charge of making #LYMONyourself trend during the Indy 500.

Do you have any tips to help us find your replacement?

Get College of Cardinals to convene in papal conclave, per decree of Pope Gregory X at Second Council of Lyons.

I also know a couple of solid guys who might be interested — can easily shoot them an email? Or just have them touch base w you?

What would you change about this job?

  • Get rid of no headphones rule
  • Unblock Yahoo Fantasy
  • Redouble efforts to overcome the "contraceptive mentality" in favor of the procreative dignity of the conjugal act, so that we may protect the innocent and defenseless lives of the unborn
  • No Tupperware in sink

Did you enjoy your time being infallible?

So-so.

Is there anything we could have done to get you to stay in your position?

Fire Craig (passive-aggressive, hogs bandwidth, definitively hellbound).