By Caldwell Tanner
New Kissing Techniques
BTW - Article Style Reference
Use: When you're hungry for love and also for actual food.
1. Show that B your D present a giant hot dog to your lover.
2. Chomp at the Bit you and your lady begin awkwardly chomping either end of it.
3. Go Full Tramp on that Lady - Meet in the middle for a sloppy, chili-covered kiss. An italian chef in the background looks grossed out.
Optional Maneuver: The Tastemaker
Burp in each other’s mouths as a testament to the strength of your love. WARNING: POWER COUPLES ONLY
Use: For the world warrior looking for a more effective way to show affection.
1. Get your chakras rocking - Guy puckering his lips, yoga symbols light up on them.
2. Assume the “Lusty Lotus” stance - Guy widening stance.
3. Go the distance - Guy extending his lips all the way across a room to kiss a girl who is so startled she drops a bowl of cereal.
Note: DO NOT attempt this without a yoga mat. Without it, you could very literally kiss someone’s eye out.
Use: For showing affection to your heterosexual male friends
1. Go knuck 2 knuck - two bros giving eachother daps
2. Prep the punch - the bros rear back their other fists as if to punch eachother
3. Pow, right in the kisser. - tight shot of two bros sweetly kissing eachother’s fists.
Note: This move only works if you two have a pre-existing best friend name like "The Rumble Cousins” and/or matching cutoff denim vests.
Use: For the lover ready to take their co-dependence to the next level.
1. Lure Alluringly - Girl making a kissy face to an excited guy
2. Open up to him - Girl’s mouth is suddenly huge and leach-like
3. Slowly devour his entire identity over a period of months. - Girl has wrapped herself around guy’s body like a face-hugger. Guy is attempting to have a conversation with a confused friend at a watercooler.
Note: For this symbiotic marriage to succeed, one of you is gonna need to learn photosynthesis, like really quick.
Use: When you need to decimate your partner with a shower of searing affection
1. Pluck a smooch. - Guy covering his lips as a girl waves goodbye
2. Present palm. - Guy presenting the kiss on his palm, girl is still waving. The kiss should be burning like the pilot light on a flamethrower.
3. Light her fire. - Guy blowing a thousand kisses at the girl, only the silhouette of her skeleton can be seen.
Lip-tip: Says something pithy like “I love the smell of lip balm in the morning” before immolating her.
Use: Formal occasions call for more proper pecking.
1. Engage - Two people wearing fine clothing lean in to smooch
2. Enlarge - They both open their mouths
3. Extend - They extend their tongues
3. Exchange - A .gif of their tongues shaking up and down
Lip-Tip: In less-formal settings a simple tongue-dap or lick-slap is appropriate.
Use: For mercy-killing your near dead relationship.
1. Bait - Girl kissing her boyfriend intimately, he looks real into it. They are on top of a lovely mountain.
2. Switch - Guy is all of a sudden kissing a poorly made manikin
3. Make out like a bandit. - Girl is hangliding away and giving a thumbs up.
Note: Don’t forget to switch your phone-number, change your facebook status and fake your death in a grisly kitchen fire for good measure.