Like this? Follow Caldwell on Twitter and/or Tumblr.
From Caldwell Tanner on
By Caldwell Tanner
New Kissing Techniques BTW - Article Style Reference *HUNGRY MA’AM Use: When you're hungry for love and also for actual food. 1. Show that B your D present a giant hot dog to your lover. 2. Chomp at the Bit you and your lady begin awkwardly chomping either end of it. 3. Go Full Tramp on that Lady - Meet in the middle for a sloppy, chili-covered kiss. An italian chef in the background looks grossed out. Optional Maneuver: The Tastemaker Burp in each other’s mouths as a testament to the strength of your love. WARNING: POWER COUPLES ONLY *YOGA SMOOCH Use: For the world warrior looking for a more effective way to show affection. 1. Get your chakras rocking - Guy puckering his lips, yoga symbols light up on them. 2. Assume the “Lusty Lotus” stance - Guy widening stance. 3. Go the distance - Guy extending his lips all the way across a room to kiss a girl who is so startled she drops a bowl of cereal. Note: DO NOT attempt this without a yoga mat. Without it, you could very literally kiss someone’s eye out. *KISSTICUFFS Use: For showing affection to your heterosexual male friends 1. Go knuck 2 knuck - two bros giving eachother daps 2. Prep the punch - the bros rear back their other fists as if to punch eachother 3. Pow, right in the kisser. - tight shot of two bros sweetly kissing eachother’s fists. Note: This move only works if you two have a pre-existing best friend name like "The Rumble Cousins” and/or matching cutoff denim vests. *LEECHY KEEN Use: For the lover ready to take their co-dependence to the next level. 1. Lure Alluringly - Girl making a kissy face to an excited guy 2. Open up to him - Girl’s mouth is suddenly huge and leach-like 3. Slowly devour his entire identity over a period of months. - Girl has wrapped herself around guy’s body like a face-hugger. Guy is attempting to have a conversation with a confused friend at a watercooler. Note: For this symbiotic marriage to succeed, one of you is gonna need to learn photosynthesis, like really quick. *DAMEBLOWER Use: When you need to decimate your partner with a shower of searing affection 1. Pluck a smooch. - Guy covering his lips as a girl waves goodbye 2. Present palm. - Guy presenting the kiss on his palm, girl is still waving. The kiss should be burning like the pilot light on a flamethrower. 3. Light her fire. - Guy blowing a thousand kisses at the girl, only the silhouette of her skeleton can be seen. Lip-tip: Says something pithy like “I love the smell of lip balm in the morning” before immolating her. *GLAND SHAKE Use: Formal occasions call for more proper pecking. 1. Engage - Two people wearing fine clothing lean in to smooch 2. Enlarge - They both open their mouths 3. Extend - They extend their tongues 3. Exchange - A .gif of their tongues shaking up and down Lip-Tip: In less-formal settings a simple tongue-dap or lick-slap is appropriate. *DECOY MISTRESS Use: For mercy-killing your near dead relationship. 1. Bait - Girl kissing her boyfriend intimately, he looks real into it. They are on top of a lovely mountain. 2. Switch - Guy is all of a sudden kissing a poorly made manikin 3. Make out like a bandit. - Girl is hangliding away and giving a thumbs up. Note: Don’t forget to switch your phone-number, change your facebook status and fake your death in a grisly kitchen fire for good measure.