By Hallie Cantor
My computer’s been running really slow this morning and I don’t know why. Can you help?
Fred (HR dept.)
Dear Ho-Hum in Human Resources,
Stuck in a rut with your comp? Shake things up by resetting his IP address! A great way to break out of your routine is by adding some new flavor to your relationship. Eat a cup of lime Jell-O, and then start licking the outer edges of his screen. The juicy citrus flavor will get his juices flowing. Make him beg for it before you finally take him in your mouth. (Don’t forget to tickle his keyboard!) Have some extra-kinky fun by sticking the end of your spoon in his Ethernet port - you’ll stimulate a zone he didn’t even know could turn him on.
Hey, I downloaded the new version of Firefox as instructed, but as soon as I open it my computer freezes and I have to reboot. The old version worked fine and it’s not happening with other browsers. Thanks for your help.
The best way to tame a relationship that’s running “hot and cold” is with some hot and cold lovin’ of your own! Disconnect from the Wi-Fi network and then reconnect. Next, submerge one of your hands in ice water and the other hand in boiling hot water. Alternate typing with each hand (not too hard!). After his entire OS is tingling, start to massage him with both hands at once. His monitor will go haywire from the mixed sensations and the water damage to the motherboard! Don’t Ctrl-Alt-Delete till he begs you to stop.
Hey guys, Someone looked at my computer last week but I’m still having problems accessing my files. Not sure what’s going on
Dear Horny and Helpless,
Spice things up by flushing the cache - after you check the firewall, of course! If your DNS propagation gets his blood pumping, keep the party going with an LDAP resync. Have fun!
My computer at the Reception desk won’t turn on. It was working fine yesterday, I turned it off when I left the office, and now this morning it’s just a black screen.
Dear Rejected in Reception,
Comfort with your partner can be great, but sometimes you need to reboot. Even the best couples need to remember to schedule one-on-one time to install software updates. Make sure your guy know he’s the #1 machine in your life by plugging in a flash drive with some naughty pictures of you clicking your own mouse. Once you’ve got him fired up, try sneaking up to him in the dark and whispering an X-rated message directly into his speakers. There’s nothing more titillating than a little mystery, so be sure to disconnect his mouse and monitor so he can’t tell exactly what you’re doing to him. Slowly mount his machinery, letting your nipples oh-so-lightly graze his USB port. He’ll be craving a hookup to your interface in no time ;)
Hey IT Folks,
Having an issue with my machine today. Every time I move a window it drags a trail on the screen of where the window used to be. Thanks a bunch,
Dear Dreary & Dragging,
Have you tried turning it off and then on again? That or a blowjob should work.