The Beginners Guide To Working Out - Image 1

Hello! I've recently noticed that I get extremely out of breath and sweaty while folding my laundry, so I've decided to join a gym. However, I've never really worked out before. Can you help me get started?

No problem! First things first: you're going to want to stop eating that Pop-Tart.

But it's chocolate fudge!

Just put it down for now. It will be here when you get back.

I don't know. My roommate's kind of a jerk.

Trust me. Now, what kind of exercise do you want to start with: aerobic or anaerobic?

…What?

Would you rather run for a really long time without ever actually going anywhere or pick up a bunch of heavy things and then almost immediately put them back down?

Oh! Hmm…those both sound pretty stupid. Are there any other options?

No.

Ok. Then I guess the heavy things one.

Great. Let's start with your deltoids.

Your shoulders.

Just sit down at that black machine with all the leftover sweat on it.

No problem. Hey, wait a second.

What's wrong?

The guy who was using the machine before me can lift more than I can, and now I'm insecure. Is there anything I can do about that?

You have two options. The first is to accept that you're just starting to work out, lift what you can for now, and trust that, with enough hard work, you'll eventually be able to lift as much as the guy who used the machine before you.

Let's do the second option.

I haven't told you what it is yet.

Well, it's got to be better than that.

Fine. Head over to one of the treadmills, and do your best to pretend that the gym's weight room doesn't exist.

Yes, I like this idea much better. Oh wow. There are a lot of hot girls here. Are all of them single?

Yes.

Nice! What's the best way to introduce myself?

Well, we should probably get at least some exercise done first. So get on a treadmill, and pick a speed that you think you can maintain for at least 30 minutes.

Let's do the second option.

Ok. Most of the girls are wearing headphones, so your best bet is probably to go stand right in front of them and yell your name really loudly over and over again.

That sounds like it would get me kicked out of the gym.

Probably. But at least everyone would remember you.

And I would get to go home and eat my Pop-Tart before Jeffrey takes it!

Exactly.

So there's no downside!

Well, you won't get to start exercising. So these minor health issues that you're experiencing now will probably just compound and worsen over time, ultimately leading to some fairly debilitating diseases and a premature death.

No downside at all! Well, this has been a very informative discussion. Thanks for all the help!

Don't mention it. Seriously. I don't think I want my name attached to yours.

At least let me give you a Pop-Tart.

What kind?

Strawberry.

Fuck you.