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I was listening to the radio this morning and I was in between two different channels and I heard a series of beeps that I'm sure was THE GOVERNMENT communicating with a secret sect of the armed forces. If you think that's crazy, did you know that THE GOVERNMENT covers up 300 extraterrestrial encounters every year? They don't want the public to know because the aliens threaten their capitalist agenda. There is an entire community of people who THE GOVERNMENT says are dead, but are actually alive. They are living in a sustainable community in Montana. THE GOVERNMENT is keeping them hidden because they are in bed with THE ILLUMINATI-FREE MASONS.


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I just got back from India. That country is so spiritual. I was in the depths of the Himalayas with nothing but a small bag, the clothes I had on my back and my guru, Ravish. We drank opium tea and smoked hashish morning till night. I found enlightenment in those mountains. Oh, and Joshua Tree last weekend was so spiritual. Tyler totally tripped balls and thought this lizard was his dead grandpa. Dude, Burning man next month is gonna be SO spiritual. I can't wait to become one with the earth. I'm going to lose myself in Gaia's grip with the help of my little fungus friend, Mr. Mushroom.


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I'm not a lesbian. I just like to kiss girls when I'm drunk. I guess I'm a dresbian. *Giggles. You guys can watch, but sometimes we're a little shy. *Giggles, *smooching. Marta's like, a REALLY good kisser. She has the softest lips! *Smooching. Oh wait, you didn't catch that one guys? It's ok, we'll go again. Yeah, you can video tape us, but we'll only take our shirts off if you ALL video tape us.


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Occupy was such an amazing movement. Some would say that it was reminiscent of the '60's, but I thought that it was more of an homage to that era. That week I spent in Zucotti square was one of the hardest of my life physically and definitely the hardest emotionally. This guy named Durvin gave me a stick and poke tattoo of my own face after a police officer pepper sprayed me. I'm not gonna say I'm a martyr, but everytime I look at it, it reminds me that we are a divided nation. There are the money-grubbing pepper sprayers and there are the peace-loving victims who are the pepper sprayed. And that's a truth that I can hang my beanie on.


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There's nothing wrong with being a little bit racist. If you're not racist, you're color blind, which is an even more malignant form of racism. I'm just bein' real. Like everyone shits on George Bush for being such a bad president, but he actually did some really great things for this country. He fought for our freedom. That's a real American. Just sayin'. I hate all this post gender normative crap. Yeah, I think women can do anything, anything to do with cooking and doing my laundry. Had to be said bro, had to be said! And you know what, fuck cats. Fuck cat videos, fuck cat pictures, and fuck the stupid little kittens that turn into cats. Sorry I'm not sorry, internet losers!


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Shirts off for the girls, shirts off for the girls! *rips shirt off. Spring break! *rips shirt off. No tee, OT! *rips shirt off. Summer break! *rips shirt off. Sun's out, abs, pecks and guns out! *rips shirt off. Water fight! *rips shirt off. Winter break! *rips shirt off. Mud wrestling! *rips shirt off. Chugging contest! *rips shirt off. Family dinner! *rips shirt off.


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Congratulations, that was a beautiful wedding. It reminded me of my own wedding; I still can't believe the Rolling Stones played. And they wrote a song about my wife, classy dude that Mick Jagger. I hear you guys are climbing Mt. Washington for your honeymoon. That reminds me of the time I climbed Kilimanjaro. I did the whole thing with a sprained ankle. It would've sucked had I not stumbled upon those ancient artifacts. Spoiler alert, your wedding gift is a framed picture of the National Geographic article about me. I would've given you my copy, but Bono's borrowing it right now.


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Hey. I'm having the worst-ugh, nevermind. *jut out bottom lip. I just- *long exhale. *chew on cheek. ughhh, *sighhh, *eyeroll, *long exhale, I'm really-uhh *eyeroll, it's nothing. *slam cell phone down, fuhhh, *jaw clench, *slump in chair, *sniffle. It just REALLY sucks that- *long pause, *sigh, forget it. *rap knuckles on table, *look out into the distance, *elongated blink, fuhhhhg.