By Mike Trapp
This looks long, but it’s just filling in the text that you see on a kickstarter project. Oh, Shit, I Thought I had Cash on Me Project by: The Guy who Doesn’t Have Money When the Pizza Arrives # Backers: 0 Goal: Just, like $5, man. That’s nothing. Days to go: 0, the delivery guy is here right now! Video: A guy with a sort of “did I do that?” look. Next to him, a disappointed guy holding a box of pizza. Short Description: Get the pizza you wanted, right when you expect it. Long Description: Hello! I’m that guy who seems to be at every single party! “Oh, Shit, I Thought I Had Cash on Me” is a theater project in which I act like I only just now realized I don’t have the money to pay for this pizza we all ordered. This is truly an amazing piece that instills viewers with emotions ranging from “annoyance” to “irritation.” Funding this project will also guarantee that we can all eat this pizza, instead of having it sent back, and that the delivery man won’t come back at some point in the future and egg the house. Pledge $0.50: “Spare Change” level - Receive a dirty look and a supplementary performance of “I guess I can run to an ATM” in which I act like this is a thing I would actually do. Pledge $5.00: “Thanks, Bro” Level - Receive a slice of pizza that you already paid for. I’ll also totally pay you back. I promise won’t get drunk and forget about it again. Pledge $20.00: “I Only Have $20s” Level - Receive pizza and a pat on the back. I Only Have $20s Level Donors will also receive a “free” beer that will cost less than the change I never gave back to you. Pledge $50: Tote bag. My Diploma Project by: Your hopeless college-aged child. # Backers: 2 Goal: $120,000 and then a couple thousand more after you think you’ve got everything covered. Days to go: 1,460 Video: Picture of a guy looking in a book. We see hundreds of beer cans and evidence of depravity in the background. Short Description: A necessary party, where I guess I’ll also learn things. Long Description: It’s me, your child! My Diploma is an innovative design project that seeks to incorporate elements of four years of liberal arts study into one simple, sleek piece of paper. Thin enough to be mounted on a wall, or shoved into a random box after graduation, My Diploma will also still be powerful enough to maybe get me a job, possibly. Maybe. Pledge $100: Donors who donate anything less than the full amount will receive a lifetime worth of resentment, and semi-annual reminders about what I could have been, what dreams I may have lived. Pledge $120,000: Donors who contribute the full amount will receive both a sense of pride in my achievements and a sense of doubt that it wasn’t worth the cost after I graduate and try to pursue a career in fire dancing. Pledge $120,000 plus beer money: Receive everything in the 120,000 package PLUS a nagging worry about my potential alcoholism. You Guys Dare Me to Drink This? Project by: Attention-starved idiot # Backers: 8 Goal: $100, no, wait. $80. I’ll do it for $80 Days to go: 1 Video: A gross-looking guy holding up a glass of beer with jalepenos floating in it. Short Description: I’ll do it, guys. I’ll totally drink this. Long Description: “You Guys Dare Me to Drink This” is a revolutionary game of disgusting food. In this game, you make me drink this beer, which has been sitting outside for two days with jalepenos in it, and I’ll try not to vomit. What makes this a truly new gaming experience is that nobody wins. Pledge Any amount: Donors of any amount will get to watch me drink this, even if I don’t meet my stated goal. Donors of any level will also receive the image of a man vomiting jalepenos out his nose indelibly burned in their brains. My Niece’s Girl Scout Cookies Project by: Your co-worker # Backers: 20 Goal: However much Gina Baker is making, plus $10 Days to go: 30 Video: Picture of a guy pressing a box of girl scout cookies into another person’s face. Short Description: The cookies you know and love, now forced upon you. Long Description: Everyone loves Girl Scout cookies! Probably the only thing people like more is not feeling like a cheap, shitty friend. My niece’s Girl Scout Cookies combines both of these things in one glorious dessert everyone can rave about, even though they don’t really taste much different than any other mass-produced store-bought cookie. Pledge $0: Receive simultaneous judgmental stares from me and my niece as we wonder why you can’t spare a measly $4.00. Pledge $4.00: Receive a box of cookies of your choice. Donors will also receive boring trivia about how certain cookies have changed their name, an unwanted debate about Thin Mints, and a little added pressure to buy more than just one box. Pledge $80: Receive simultaneous judgemental stares from me and my neice as we wonder if you’re going to eat all 20 boxes by yourself. Jogging to Cure Cancer in Pandas Project by: Your friend involved in a charity. # Backers: 20 Goal: A world with healthy pandas. Also, $500,000 Days to go: 30 Video: Picture of a very sad looking panda. Short Description: Apparently I’m a better person than you. Long Description: Hello, friends. Every year, three giant pandas are diagnosed with cancer. I’m going to be jogging across the country to raise money for treatment, and to raise awareness. Please consider donating. If not now, then on any of the next 30 days when I’ll be harassing you over e-mail, Facebook, and Twitter. Pledge $1: Donors will feel a little less guilty about spending their free time catching up on TV shows that ended three years ago while I’m doing something that is both good for me and for others. Donors at this level will also receive nearly constant updates on my progress. Pledge $100: Donors at this level will receive the same shit people do who only donate $1. You’re all just numbers to me. Off-Key Cover of (Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay Project by: Street Performer # Backers: 6 Goal: Even one penny, thank you. Days to go: With your help, 0. Video: A dirty, hippy-ish guy with a guitar on the street. Short Description: A new music project that seeks to turn songs that were once enjoyable into harbingers of horrible, horrible feelings. Long Description: I could be a homeless guy, just doing what I can to get by, or I could just be the least talented hipster street performer you’ve ever seen. My music project is based on this confusion and the psychological effects it has on listeners. Do I deserve charity or a punch in the face? I believe extra funding will help make this question even more confusing. Pledge $0: God bless you. Pledge $1: God bless you. Donors will also receive a unique sense that you are doing good and being swindled simultaneously. Pledge $20: God bless you. Donors at this level will receive an unwanted conversation about socioeconomics from the stranger standing next to them. Pledge $50: Tote bag.