By Mike Trapp
The Most Confusing College Response Letter Dear James, The Admissions Committee has carefully reviewed your application to Quendelton University. After much consideration, I am happy to regret that I am pleased to inform you that you have been rejected from the college’s “Reject Immediately” list! Which, of course, means you will be admitted into an insane asylum if you think you will be matriculating here in the fall. Because we want you to start taking classes right away! At whatever school is crazy enough to accept you. A crazy school like Quendelton! But not Quendelton. A different school. A school we call the Quendelton of Tomorrow! But what sort of tomorrow will it be if we accept students like you? By which we mean the best kind of students for digging ditches. Just like noted Quendelton alumnus and ditch digger Albert Fitzwilliam. (Also known as “The Shame of Quendelton”). I expect to see you on campus soon standing outside the Office of Admissions, begging them to reconsider their outdated diversity program and other issues important to Quendelton Students and non-Quendelton students alike. We look forward to seeing you on campus when the oceans dry up and nothing but dust blows over the barren earth. Which many people think will happen this year. But not people at Quendelton. Except for the ones that do. But they’re wrong. Or are they? Yes. Just kidding. Or am I? We recognize that this letter may come as a disappointment to you. Or it may come as a delight. Depending on what outcome you were looking for. But everyone here at Quendelton is looking forward to seeing you in Hell. Which is the name of our new freshman housing cluster in your imagination. Congratulations! Regretfully, Walter P. Merrimont P.S. You were rejected. P.P.S. No you weren’t.