The Nature Valley Granola Bar Rule
The amount of crumb spillage that takes place while eating a Nature Valley bar exponentially increases towards infinity always.
The Cheez-It Paradox
When you're hungry for Cheez-Its, you will grow more hungry for Cheez-Its with every Cheez-It you eat.
The Cheez-It Pairing Principle
In every bag of Cheez-Its, there are always two Cheez-Its that are stuck to together. They are more fun to eat than their singular counterparts by a factor of one million.
The Law of Large Pizzas
For every large pizza (X), there exists an ideal limit of slices (Y), after which, those eating do not have to fight over the last slice. However, it is not possible for a group of people to ever purchase such a pizza without everyone in the group spontaneously combusting.
The Bugle Limit Principle
There exists no age limit for which one must stop using Bugles to make fake claws.
The Kale-Chip Paradigm
It is scientifically impossible for one to eat kale chips without being a douchebag.
First Law of Cottage Cheese
Cottage cheese is disgusting.
Second Law of Cottage Cheese
Cottage cheese is really disgusting.
Third Law of Cottage Cheese
Are you really eating that shit, Brad? What the fuck is wrong with you?
The Potato Chip Anomaly
There is always one really gross green potato chip in every bag.
The Blue Raspberry Fallacy
Blue raspberries are not a real fruit, nor will ever be.
The Protein Bar Uncertainty Principle
With certain protein bars, one will always be uncertain as to why one must care about "protein" or be physically active to enjoy chocolate chips, peanut butter, brownie chunks, and other delicious ingredients all combined into one delicious and convenient snack.
The Arizona Reliance
The price of Arizona canned drinks shall remain an unchangeable, unalterable constant of 99 cents always and forever.