Why He's There: Because there's nowhere else to go. All his old college buds are married with kids, and this is the one time during the year he can recreate his glory days, which weren't even that glorious to begin with.
Catchphrase: "BACK IN MY DAY WE... (muffled, presumably racist comment)"
Cheer: "WOOOO AHHHH YEAAAA I LOOOOVE Y'ALLLL"
Body Paint Pat
Why He's There: To show off his sculpted back and not-so-impressive pectorals.
Catchphrase: "Can someone feed this hotdog to me? My hands are covered in a highly toxic blue paint."
Celebratory Cheer: "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT! SOMEONE GIVE ME MY DULY DESERVED DAPS"
Why He's There: To jump on the bandwagon and reap all the glory without having put in the effort during the regular season.
Catchphrase: "That Brandon fella can really score the arc ball well."
Celebratory Cheer: "Did we win? We won, right?!"
Why He's There: Because he forced his son to attend the school in order to go to the games.
Catchphrase: "Son, our dream has come to fruition. Now take a picture of me for yourInstagram account."
Celebratory Cheer: "YES! This is what we always wanted, Jerry. Smile!"
Shredded Tee Tiffany
Why She's There: To catch the eye of the team captain who's certain to go Pro.
Catchphrase: Wooo! Sports guys are the best guys!
Celebratory Cheer: "One, two, three, four... call me anytime, Brandon! I love you!"
Why He's There: Because he's 6 and doesn't have a choice in the matter.
Catchphrase: "I'm ty-ty. Can we go home, Mommy?"
Celebratory Cheer: [Crying]
Why He's There: To contest every call the referee makes against his team.
Catchphrase: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!!
Celebratory Cheer: "I'll still see you after the game in the parking lot, pal.. where there ARE NO RULES!"
Why He's There: For the love of statistics. Plus it's the only social interaction he gets.
Catchphrase: "The number of possible outcomes in a 64 team bracket is 18 quintillion, 446 quadrillion. Hi, I'm Nate. Damn glad to meecha."
Celebratory Cheer: "Wowzers! Whatta match!"
Why He's There: To yell at the team about what he thinks they're doing wrong. Obviously playing NBA2K13 all day qualifies you to run an actual team.
Catchphrase: "If I coached this team..."
Celebratory Cheer: "We did it, boys!"
Why He's There: Strictly to annoy people with a dated reference.
Celebratory Cheer: "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Illustrated by Jeremy Nguyen.