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Oh, you don't know this guy? Crazy. He's your friend's buddy you've never met. He's coming on this trip now, BTdubs. Sorry they didn't give you more of a heads up, but don't worry, you're going to hate this guy so much it will make you question why you're friends with his friend and lead you to a spiral of self-doubt. SPRING BREAK! Expect to hear that shouted at least nine times from the windows of the car rental you paid for. He's totally going to chip in for that too. A six-pack will cover it, right? This trip is going to be AWESOME (for him).

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Please, allow her to stare at you with dead eyes while you attempt to check in after your seemingly endless drive. She doesn't want to hear any partying or see any signs of rowdiness, you hear that? This sh*thole motel in a tacky spring break location is a family establishment, so she expects you to treat it with respect.That's why she's going to charge you some previously undisclosed fee and refuse to give you enough keycards for you each to have one. She doesn't like people like you, and that's why she works at a motel visited exclusively by people like you.

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Over capacity. No, it's not over capacity for these people who were in line behind you. Why is this so hard for you to understand? You've seen movies before. He's the cliche dick bouncer. They exist in real life. And maybe the hollywood/MTV spring break experience actually exists inside this bouncer-protected bar, but you'll never find out because this guy doesn't like Your Friend's Other Friend and he's decided he doesn't like you either, pal. Now, go stand at the edge of the curb and frantically search on your phone for a different bar you can go to, 'cause this place isn't happening.


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Great. You found the local bar. Even though you're doing exactly what the locals are doing, you've just ruined their night. All your sitting and drinking is just a glaring reminder of how commercial this tourism-supported town has become. What happened to the good old days when only cool people came down here for spring break instead of all these stupid college kids? The only rule of dealing with grumpy locals is not to shout "SPRING BREAK!" in their presence. That seems obvious, but your friend's fucking other friend is going to do it anyway. Because he really, really sucks.

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Like, whoa. This girl could play the hot girl in a spring break party scene on a CW drama. And she knows it. You might think your attempt at talking to her like normal person will be a welcome change from all the drooling fools around her, but it's not. Sure, it would be if you were as hot as she is, but, come on. This is spring break. She isn't wearing a dress laden with sequins so she can hear you talk about how she should really watch "The IT Crowd." So how about you stop talking to her now, you sweaty ogre.

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Frisbees! Speakers! Coolers! Actually sturdy umbrellas that provide shade! These shitheads have it all and you loathe them for it. You'll say that it's not their merriment that bothers you, it's the amount of sand they keep kicking at your face in their fits of oblivious glee, but you're lying. The beach is a constant, ruthless competition to see who can have the most fun without getting sidetracked by the discomfort of remembering you're mostly naked, lying on rock dirt in the blinding sun. And these turds are winning.


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Turns out, your friend is kind of a dick. In hindsight, you should have known he wasn't really spring break trip material--you remember now that he's the kind of guy who brings Bud Light to a party, then only drinks someone else's Yuengling--but, your better friends went home for spring break so they could apply for summer internships, and you were stuck with this jerk. You'll spend the next two months passive-aggressively trying to get him to pay you for his share of the car rental. In the end, there's a chance that you're the asshole.