Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.
5 New Ways to Get Blasted at the Gym
By Alex Watt
-Warm Oops -Repeat until success or removal. -Step 1: Enter locker room. -Step 2: Open gym bag. -Step 3: Rummage around until you’ve got someone’s attention. -Step 4: Explain to them that you forgot to bring shorts. -Step 5: Ask to borrow theirs. -Step 6: Hit the gym. -Guy, still in slacks, getting thrown out of the locker room. -Noga -DUDE. -Step 1: Don’t look at the girls in the yoga class. -Step 2: Don’t be a weirdo. -Step 3: Don’t do it, man, c’mon. -Step 4: Don’t even peek, these women are just trying to live a healthy lifestyle--this isn’t for you. -Step 5: Run. They’re coming. -Powder Sips -Drink until an entire week’s worth of protein has been consumed. -Step 1: Order the shake that has the most “x”s, “mega”s, or “enegger”s in it. -Guy going “I’ll have what he’s having.” -Step 2: Spend about what you pay to work out there per month on it. -Step 3: Chug the entire thing. -Step 4: Find a bathroom. -Guy running to locker room, but sees all of the girls he insulted. -Squats -No spotter necessary. -Step 1: Get into position. -Step 2: Remove your shorts. -Step 3: Move your bowels. -Guy taking a dump in a garbage bin, everyone who he’s annoyed is looking on angrily. -Home Tone -No pain, no gain, still lawsuits. -Step 1: Lift the stack of restraining orders. -Step 2: Sign on the dotted line. -Step 3: Lie down on the couch. -Step 4: Try not to gain too much weight from all of the protein-energy-meal replacement-workout-bars you bought in bulk. -Step 5: Gain a lot. -Guy is really fat on the couch.