It's nice to know that the universe's premiere arena rock band and arguably the greatest vocalist of all time have a whimsical sense of humor, but good lord, this song is like, sub-1930s-novelty-song. And most of those at least contain some embarrassing old timey racial slurs to laugh at.
Suck Highlight: Nothing can prepare you for the turn this song takes at 2:16. Prepare to be SHYAMALAN'D!
If there's one thing we learned from the Bowie/Jagger and Van Halen covers of "Dancing In The Street", it's that a rockin' cover of "Dancing In The Street" has not been successfully accomplished yet so bands should definitely keep making them.
Suck Highlight: The Guitar Solo at 2:42 is basically Eddie Van Halen's passive-aggressive way of admitting that the song is unnecessary and desperately trying to redeem it.
Many hardcore Clash fans are divided over the album Combat Rock, the record that spawned their hit singles "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" and "Rock The Casbah", but often overlooked in those "Punk vs. Pop" debates is the fact that the album's first song, "Know Your Rights", is a brutally unlistenable pseudo-political track where the band basically just recites a pissed-off 9th grader's literary magazine submission about what a bunch o' BULLSHIT everything is.
Suck Highlight: The seamless lyric, "Murder is a CRIME! Unless it was done by a Policeman or aristocrat." The Clash, tellin' it like it is! Aristocrats ALWAYS get away with their stupid aristocrat murder. Stabbing people with candelabras and whatnot. WE'RE ONTO YOU.
Radiohead has surprisingly few questionable entries in their long and varied catalog, but even during my 2003 RADIOHEAD CAN DO NO WRONG peak, I just could not wrap my head around "We Suck Young Blood," which always kinda seemed like Thom Yorke fucking around on a piano while someone clapped in another room and it was accidentally recorded, but not one of Radiohead's GOOD songs where Thom Yorke is fucking around on a piano while someone claps in another room and it was accidentally recorded (i.e., half of Kid A).
Suck Highlight: The 4-minute mark (if you can make it that far) really sounds like one of those 'Spooky Halloween Sound Effects To Chill Your Boooooonesss!!!" CDs that you see in Halloween stores next to 18 "NO SPOOOOKY REFUNDS" signs.
At what point in the history of Americana did someone decree that any song written about our national pastime had to be the lamest song ever written that isn't about girls from uptown? Let's just accept the Simpsons' Talking Softball parody as the official song of bat-sports and go back to writing about normal song shit like eyes and trains.
Suck Highlight: Every athlete in this saccharine, starry-eyed music video banged 15 prostitutes immediately after each clip cut away.
Weezer has padded their catalog with enough garbage in the past decade to call into question their very inclusion as a "Great Band," but I'm still too much of a sucker for those first two albums to not get genuinely confused and upset at ridiculous crap like this. I really want to believe it's some meta-ironic parody, but Jesus Christ, Weezer, you've gotta meet me halfway here. Or like, 10% of the way. Can you meet me ONE STEP of the way from where I am standing (in TerribleTowne)? Why is this now what you are??? HOW DID YOU MAKE THOSE FIRST TWO ALBUMS THEN BECOME THE WORST 4EVERRRRR!!!LKEnrfflflds Ooof, sorry, lost it a bit there gonna go watch the first 10 minutes of Up to compose myself.
Suck Highlight: I lost count, but I believe Rivers sings "can't stop partyin'" upwards of 57,000 times in this song, placing it #2 on the list of "Songs With The Titular Line Sung The Most Times", second only to Bob Seger's "Against The Wind" (a record 3.1 million times).
Most of U2's post-2000 career could squeeze onto this list, but I will defend U2's 1997 Pop album in almost any argument, or at least the first half of it; the second half contains some serious whiffs, and "Miami" is the dullest, meshing 4 looped seconds of 90s beatsxx (90s beats have Xs in them) with lyrics written by someone who's never been to Miami but vaguely believes the mayor is a coked-up flamingo.
Suck Highlight: Every chorus is just a disembodied voice singing "Ba ba ba ba ba ba," making this the perfect song for babies you don't like.
Christmas songs could easily comprise their own separate list, but this is truly the industry standard in terms of high-profile artists randomly crapping out really unnecessary Christmas tunes. (Weird fact: Paul McCartney literally crapped this song out. Through his butthole. Onto a Radio Shack synthesizer.)
Suck Highlight: Paul popping his head in at 0:22 is a friggin' Christmas miracle of lolz.
This 2006 single proves that Prince is indeed a chameleon, inasmuch as you can place a chameleon on top of a ridiculous song and the chameleon will perfectly conform to that song's ridiculousness. (FYI, if you don't speak Spanish, "Te Amo Corazon" means "Juan is near the library")
Suck Highlight: Prince humming along to his own guitar solo at the 2:00 mark is the Princest Prince that ever Princed (including anything any actual princes have ever done. Except maybe Prince.)
While this song was only ever released promotionally, America's greatest melodist somehow concocted this literally-unbelievable rap single about being into "smart girls," complete with the actual opening line "My name is Brian and I'm the man," and dozens of out-of-context Beach Boys samples that just randomly start playing throughout the song. It's mind-blowing:
Suck Highlight: It is perhaps a bit unfair to totally lay into a man with such well-documented mental issues and drug addictions, but on the other hand, here is living, breathing proof that even our greatest songwriter ever was capable of writing an ungodly piece of crap. DON'T YOU SEE HOW LIBERATING THAT IS??? Alas, even when sucking, Brian Wilson shows us the way.
Honorable Mentions: Chuck Berry "My Ding-a-Ling", The Pixies "Bam Thwok", Neil Young "Computer Cowboy", The Jackson 5 and Mick Jagger "State of Shock", Metallica Most of St. Anger,
Other examples we left off? Leave 'em in the comments!
(Also, here's some more Bowie/Jagger GIFs)