By Hallie Cantor
A subway map, spread across the general shape of a brain. It is made up of five lines which intersect (i.e. share stops) and connect (have a connecting line between stops) at various points: Romance, Anxiety, Memory, Creativity, and Anger.
At the center of the map are two major stops with a shuttle running between them: these stops are When are you gonna have sex? and Did you just do something stupid? The first is a stop along the Romance line, the second is a stop along the Anxiety line.
In between the different subway lines, there are also two parks on the map (see below).
- Love for your significant other
- Lust for your significant other’s best friend
- When are you gonna have sex?
- Analyzing texts from potential romantic interests (intersects with Creativity line)
- Wondering if Something Is Wrong With Your Genitals
- Shame Junction (intersects with Anxiety line)
- Body Image Issues
- The Civil War started in 1861
- Lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song
- Names of your elementary school teachers
- Nostalgia Center
- Embarrassment about being a virgin till you were 21 (intersects with Shame Junction)
- Analyzing texts from romantic interests (intersects with Romance line)
- Listening to podcasts
- Listening to music
- Doodling (spins off into an express track that goes straight to Doing Actual Work)
- Dancing along with music (connects to Shame Junction)
- Thinking of twitter jokes
- Wondering how famous you have to be to have TWO hot tubs
- Scripting the awards speech you’ll give when eventually recognized for your genius work
- Doing actual work
- Stress Square
- Fear that maybe everything in horror movies is real
- Did you just do something stupid?
- Are you going to have kids someday? (spins off into a secondary line going to a remote corner of the map, the Express Anxiety Track, making the following stops:
What if you fall out of love with everyone you ever date after a year?
How will anyone put up with you?
How DOES anyone put up with you?
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Shuttle to the airport)
- Wondering if they heard you fart
- Paranoia about having food in your teeth
- Ugh, you should’ve said “god bless you” when they sneezed (intersects with Anger)
- Shame Junction
- Annoyance that HBO shows aren’t available on Netflix
- Do the people living above you need to listen to THAT much Top 40?
- Ugh, you should’ve said “god bless you” when they sneezed (intersects with Anxiety)
- Why is no one retweeting your twitter jokes? (connects to “thinking of twitter jokes” in Creativity)
- Someone spoiled the ending of this episode of Cupcake Wars
There are two parks, each featuring several labeled attractions:
Oh yeah, yes, yes! Reservoir
Holy Fucking Shit Fucking Damnit Playground
Aaaghh Nature Reserve