By Hallie Cantor and Tom Philip
patient in a beret or caftan holds a cup of American coffee like its a turd
Usually acquired after a semester-long exposure to European discotheques, ruins of old cathedrals, or poor African villages, ____ is a rare but serious condition that will spread widely if untreated.
- Vocal dissatisfaction with local cuisine, coffee, or alcoholic beverages
- Compulsion to post excessive Facebook albums featuring the patient on picturesque bridges or other tourist sites
- Repeating the phrase “you HAVE TO go abroad” until all others in immediate vicinity are infected
Patient wears college sweatshirt and drinks from a solo cup in a crowd of people
Presents mainly in patients on their first visits home from college, though it may also occur as an epidemic spread over entire groups of high-school friends on winter break.
- Increased irritability
- Unwillingness to partake in activities once deemed enjoyable, such as drinking 40’s by the old golf course until the cops drive by on their nightly rounds
- Constant references to “my friends at school” shoehorned into conversations where they’re barely relevant
Patient is asleep in bed, pressing snooze
Prolonged irrational delusions that any class scheduled for an 8 a.m. start time doesn’t actually exist. Patients remain unresponsive to treatments such as dirty looks from the professor, alarm clocks, and, come on, the fact it definitely exists.
- Increased paranoia from 8.10 a.m. - 10 a.m. on day of class
- Inability to say anything other than “Good, I think” in a weird high voice when asked how school’s going.
- Suspiciously low GPA
patient is surrounded by books and computer but focused on making a paper clip chain
Most commonly observed in isolated, long-term patients, outbreaks have been known to occur periodically near the end of the semester
- Heightened sensitivity to those goddamn idiots having a conversation 7 rooms down
- Heightened sensitivity to when was the last time this room was vacuumed? Better do that.
- Sudden obsessive fixation with tracking the film career of Ashton Kutcher
patient is lying on a couch looking tired and pitiful, surrounded by chips and junk food wrappers
While appearing similar to Mono at first glance, “Mono” may be contracted without kissing anyone, renders victims unable to study without aimlessly surfing the Internet, and definitely isn’t just you getting sick from all the shitty things you eat.
- Saying “I think I might have mono” while eating french fries dipped in nacho cheese
- Yawning showily in excess of 10 times per minute
- Saying “Yeah, I definitely think it’s mono” while eating pizza with salt and vinegar chips sprinkled on top
patient is almost falling asleep at classroom desk while taking notes
This all-too-common chronic disorder typically sets in during the latter third of a class period. It is characterized by an increased lack of sensory input, occasionally culminating in a full loss of consciousness.
- Sudden deafness to the vocal patterns of a professor or TA
- Inability to focus eyes on pages of a book
- Muscle spasms that twist the patient around to look at the clock at intervals of two minutes, though they feel like two hours
patient works at a desk in grown-up work attire
Known to afflict nearly 100% of college students. Those unaffected may count themselves lucky, but it’s probably best to get it out the way.
- The sudden healing and irrelevance of all previous afflictions
- Marked decrease in sleeping hours
- No money, like, for a while
- A hilariously misguided sense of hope