How to Write Bestselling Erotic Fiction - Image 1

Erotic fiction is all the rage these days — and if you're anything like me, your first response to this trend is, "No thanks," and your second is, "But wait — can I cash in on that?!" Well, you are in luck! I am here to tell you that writing high-quality smut is as easy as I heard you were in high school. Tramp.

There are several important guidelines to follow when writing straight-up filthy filth for the masses. Keep these simple points in mind, and in no time at all you'll be on board the gravy train that is the growing erotic fiction market. Just don't think about the gravy too much.

How to Write Bestselling Erotic Fiction - Image 1


The setting of your erotic story is important, so choose it wisely. Fortunately there are plenty of sexy settings all over the place, so it should not be hard to pick one. How about a pirate ship, or a bed? Lots of people fantasize about having sex in either of those places. Your hero could be a pirate, or a bed salesman. Your heroine could be a saucy scullery maid, or a pillow sham. The possibilities are endless!

Just remember, don't set your story somewhere boring or gross, like a shoe store or the F train. It will be difficult for your readers to get in the mood if they're thinking about sneakers and sticky floors instead of tinkling piano music and humping. Unless those first things get them in the mood, in which case, you run with that. But go ahead and put your name on a government watch list right now.

How to Write Bestselling Erotic Fiction - Image 1


Make sure your characters are way attractive. If they aren't, nobody's going to want to read about them having sex, just like nobody wants to read about you having sex. Sorry to be so blunt. Someone had to tell you.

Since it's your erotic story, feel free to go nuts on your characters and make them as unrealistically hot as you possibly can. Give your hero tousled blonde hair, broad shoulders and a Pinterest account. Describe your heroine as looking like "Taylor Swift crossed with Dora the Explorer, except taller and not a cartoon. And legal." When your characters are dashing and attractive, your ugly readers will get to imagine that they themselves are also dashing and attractive, if only for a few beautiful moments. When you think about it that way, writing dirty books is almost like community service. You're welcome, uggos!

How to Write Bestselling Erotic Fiction - Image 1


Plots aren't that important when it comes to erotic fiction, but they still play a role. Your characters can't just sit around sexing on each other the whole time — things have to happen to them, like day jobs and pants getting ripped off. So try to create reasons for your characters to have sex on each other — plausible situations that result in conflict and sudden nudity.

For example, let's say your heroine is trapped under a burning car; then your hero will need to lift the car up and then maybe his clothes burn off and things go from there. I saw that on Law & Order once. Or maybe your hero and heroine are coworkers who act like they hate each other but then they get trapped in an elevator together and totally bone. Perhaps your story could feature a blushing young maiden who is unsure of what a genital is and must be taught by a tender Viking. You can't take that idea now though — it's all mine. Sorry.

How to Write Bestselling Erotic Fiction - Image 1


Language is actually an important part of writing. The language you use in your story will evoke different emotions in your readers, and it should be chosen carefully. The style of your writing also matters — if your story is set during Victorian England, your characters should not use words like "boobs" or "Internet." However, some words are timeless and always appropriate – like "maidenhead" or "underoos." Another important rule for writers, which has been proven throughout the ages, is that simpler, more direct language is always better. Never use "manhood," when you can just say "meat wand." Like Faulkner did.

If you incorporate all of these elements and follow these rules, I guarantee that your erotic fiction will net you at least a cool million, if not a Pulitzer prize and a Broadway musical. When that happens, just promise you'll take me out to dinner. E. L. James said she would, but she no longer returns my phone calls.

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