Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe
By Mike Trapp
When you picture an asshole just who do you see? A fedora-clad guy with a stupid goatee? Or maybe an I-banker straight from the 80s Who screams in his cell phone and drives a mercedes. A frat guy who reeks of deodorant smell? That fucker named Tucker who wants beer in hell? Yes, these are all assholes. The biggest around. But you needn’t look hard for some more to be found. They’re here all around you. They’re near and they’re far. But which ones are assholes? Well, all of them are! “But that just can’t be,” I can hear you debate. “I know some of them, and I think they they’re great. I call these folks ‘friends’ and I think that they’re swell. What makes these guys assholes I ask you, pray tell?” Your friends can be be friendly, but sometimes they’re not And then they’re an asshole. Now who would’ve thought? John is an asshole ’cause he takes out his phone when you’re talking to him and you two are alone. Izzy ignores every one of your e-mails And Cory tells stories that denigrate females. Tara is tardy at times you should meet So you’re stuck in the cinema saving her seat. Freddy is flaky, Nina’s all-knowing, Anne never asks you how your life is going. Ron retells jokes he discovered on Reddit And reposts this poem (but doesn’t give credit). “Okay,” you may say, “My friends can be classless, And perhaps they resemble the holes of some asses. But there’s billions of people, and surely there’s some Who can be called more than a hole in a bum.” But no, it’s not so. Everyone can be awful, And do things distasteful, uncouth, and unlawful. Greg goes to parties and plays a guitar. Chris cuts you off in his shiny new car. Brit goes to birthdays and never brings beer. When Mark plays his music the whole train can hear. Luke goes online leaving long-winded comments, Screeds full of meanness and empty of content. Fran leaves her phone on when others perform. Kim conflates communes with health care reform. Bradley will brag about how much he’s paid And still he’ll complain of the cost of his maid. Of course, I’M an asshole with all that I write Pretending that these observations aren’t trite. And don’t think I forgot in this hullabaloo That the most special asshole of all here is you! Of course, that’s not true. You’re not special at all. You’re the normal-est asshole that I can recall. ‘Cause just like the rest you care most about you And think that the world should act like you do. You think you’re the hero and others are extras -- You’re a rainbow of dicks across assholish spectra. That’s how we all are, though it’s certainly heinous And so we’re all shitty, ‘cause we’re all like an anus. So what have we learned? It’s now time for your quiz. Who on earth is an asshole? Everyone is!