Obituaries for the Stuff You Should Throw Out
By Susanna Wolff
The old pair of Hanes boxers with the frayed edges and mostly detached elastic were finally thrown out in a Starbucks bathroom after you bought new boxer briefs on the way to a doctor's appointment you forgot about yesterday afternoon. They will be missed deeply the next time you're trying to put off doing laundry, but they're in a better place now, and, more importantly, your doctor doesn't think you're some kind of destitute hobo. A small memorial will be held in the back of the underwear drawer by the "sexy" briefs you bought once, and the gym socks you don't wear because they always bunch down by the arch of your foot and it's really annoying. Your old Razr phone that you kept "in case of emergency" after you got your iPhone was thrown away early yesterday morning, after you found it in a drawer while looking for your passport and thought, "Jesus. This thing." It is remembered fondly for its durability in the face of drunken spills, T9 texting, and how cool you felt opening and closing it when you first got it. In the end, however, it turned to useless crap like all your other stuff. It is survived by your old iPod nano, which you aren't ready to throw out yet. That weird bristled plastic thing for the dustbuster, or maybe something else entirely, was laid to rest in the garbage last night. After a long life in the junk drawer in the kitchen, it got caught in the back of the drawer, making it impossible to close, until it was violently yanked out and thrown away. Family and loved ones, when asked to reflect on its life, said, "What the fuck is this this? Why do I keep so much god damn garbage?" It leaves behind, the screw driver, the batteries, the ribbons you're saving just in case, the manual for your dishwasher, and a smattering of other shit. The probably expensive sweater you never wear that you got from your mom two Christmases ago was placed in the real garbage late last night, after a long time in a bag labeled, "for the Salvation Army." The Salvation Army is too far away, and, anyway, they don't support gay rights, so they don't deserve your charity. Still, when you remember this sweater, you'll pretend you actually donated it to charity. The sweater is survived by a matching hat that is also ugly, but you wear it when it's super cold, or when your hair is noticeably dirty. That almost empty bottle of Head & Shoulders in your shower that you never finished because you bought a new bottle and that seemed better, but you also never threw out because there was still some in there so it wasn't really garbage was finally thrown away this morning after you realized it was almost time to buy a third bottle of Head & Shoulders, and the almost empty bottle really was garbage. It will be remembered by the other bottle of Head & Shoulders, which you won't throw out yet because it's still got some in there, and you never learn.