So you're looking to "party down" with some marijuana, but you've never really done it before and it makes you nervous? Well don't worry! I'm not a great pot smoker either, but I've seen a million movies and tv shows about people slammin' the herb, so I've learned how to fit in perfectly with my fellow Harry "Pot"ers. Just memorize these five simple steps, and you'll be a regular Cheech and or Chong faster than you can say "hand me that doobarino!"

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First off, real pot smokers don't call it "pot". If you say "pot" or "weed", everyone will know you're a Noob and instantly shame you. The only acceptable terms are:

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For Example: "Whoa, that BANNANER looks like some real FUCKIN ASS SHIT." "It sure is, fellow smoke-man, wanna come over here and 'PARTY?' [WINK]??" When they wink at you, it means you are in.


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There are three types of pot:

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Pot is traditionally smoked in a circle formation with individuals taking turns getting their pot on then passing the pot to the next smokist. However, if you're worried about being singled out as a noob, your best bet is to just grab the pot wherever it is in the circle and take some massive puffs, then throw it back in the rotation. This will make people think that you're a regular Bob Marley, even if inside you feel like a regular Bob Barker!

There are four devices for smoking pot — here's how to use them:

1. JOINT


Hold the joint gently in the palm of your hand, as you would a brandy snifter or an impossibly small baby, pull it up to your lips, and take five very quick inward puffs (think "sixteenth note" lengths, music nerds! – approximately the beat of "Staylin' Alive" played 2.2 times as fast) then hold the smoke in your mouth for 8-10 seconds and swallow. Resist the urge to cough, because coughing will not only give away that you're an amateur smoker, but it will also negate the pot you've ingested so far and you'll have to start over.

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2. PIPE


Clasp the long part of the pipe between your middle and index fingers just like Audrey Hepburn probably grabs long cigarettes in her movies, then use an upside-down lighter to light the hash in the bowl portion (burned pot becomes "hash"). Breathe in very, very lightly for 20 to 30 seconds, then exhale the smoke with your eyes closed to minimize THC blowblack. When you're finished, hand the pipe to the next person and give them a "Go Word" to let them know it's their turn — Go Words can be anything, but some typical examples would be "Toke-it", "Dunzo", or "Leprechaun". Nothing you can say is wrong though 'cause these are your friends.

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3. BROWNIES


This is the weakest form of pot ingestion, so remember to consume 2-3 times the amount of pot that you would in smoke form to experience the same high. Otherwise, just eat and enjoy!

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4. BONGS MADE OUT OF PRINGLES CANS


Elite pot smokers make their own bongs out of Pringles Cans, as I've seen online, but if it's your first time you should probably steer clear. Make up an excuse to get out of smoking, such as "Duuude, already got too high on my own Pringles can that I turned into a bong and named 'Jennifer Lawrence' because we all name our bongs!" (Note: pot smokers all name their bongs).

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Some side effects of pot are inevitable:

- Everything will slow down and everyone will start talking in deep, slow motion voices and the background will be all blurry. Do not panic, this happens every time.

- If any music is playing, you will "see" the music. It can take various forms, but it's usually something along the lines of rainbow-colored musical notes or dragons.

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– You will begin to really "get" the music for the first time. Absolutely feel free to tell everyone that you're getting the music for the first time, but be sure to wait at least three minutes after smoking the pot so everyone knows you're actually high and not faking it.

- If you think about philosophy real fast, you'll begin to understand it. This includes the three main philosophers (Socrates, Kant, Einstein) as well as the "philosophers" of our day (rappers) whose philosophy is just as, if not more, valid.

- Brace yourself for "The Munchies"! Approximately 9-10 seconds after smoking, you'll feel an instant, rabid craving for Cheetos, Hot Pockets, White Castle burgers, and Pop Tarts. Be sure to have those four items on hand BEFORE you smoke — ideally all mashed together in one large bowl — because if you attempt to visit a convenience store after smoking, you will not be able to understand the cashier and they'll look like they have a dinosaur head.

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Congratulations, you're officially tripping the balls! So now what do you do? The answer is THESE THINGS:

- Watch some stuff! Everything becomes way funnier when you're high, but especially Cheech n' Chong movies, Nick Jr., the movie Half Baked, The Wizard Of Oz, Bob Marley: The Movie, shows where people fall down and a slide whistle goes "waaaaooohhhhh!", Dazed And Confused (which I've never seen but I assume it's real funny high), and cartoons from the 60s that are secretly about pot, which they all are.

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- Play retro video games. Plug in the ol' Sega Genesis and discuss whether or not Sonic's dick bounces off lady hedgehogs while they're having sex. Laugh about this forever. (NOTE: If you laugh for under 50 seconds at any humorous thing, everyone will know you're not actually high and accuse you of "NARC-ing their buzz." If this happens twice you'll be out of their circle forever.)

- Keep talking about how paranoid you are. This may seem like amateur pot-smoker territory, but actually, the better you are at smoking pot, the more paranoid you get. Be sure to impress everyone by being like "IS A SECRET COP HIDING IN HERE TO HATE CRIME ME???" while pointing to an ice cube tray, then empty out the tray and put it on your head and dance around.

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- Go to sleep. Tell everyone you dreamed of the Yellow Submarine crashing into giant phallic mushrooms, thus putting an exclamation point on your pot-tastic adventures. Everyone will be like "You were so high, FRIEND." When they say "friend," that's when you know you gots the goods.

And that's all there is to it! Just follow these easy steps, and before you know it, you'll literally turn into that one Bob Marley dorm poster! And if all else fails, just buy that poster and wrap it around yourself then repeat from Step One. Everyone will be so high, they will think you are Bob Marley and then you are in, as long as you perform a concert for them first (just wing it).

Enough SQUARE reading! Now go spliff on that Bannaner!!!


(Pics via Shutterstock)