So you're graduating from the four-year orgy of overindulgence we call college and moving on to the grueling existential crisis that is adulthood. Congrats! The party may be over, but that doesn't mean you have to spend the next forty years of your life drowning in a vast, inescapable sea of student loan debt and lolcat forwards. Here's some advice for making the jump from someone who's been there.
As an undergrad, your options for expanding your horizons were almost limitless. Joining clubs, connecting with people of different backgrounds, volunteering, and heck, even auditing a class was only a walk across the quad away. Granted, you actually spent most of your free time making bongs out of things that bongs aren't usually made of and shotgunning Miller Lites, but at least you had choices. As a full-fledged adult, drinking will continue to consume most of your free time, but it'll mostly take place in nicer clothes. Other adult hobbies include: sudoku, watching Dancing With the Stars, and gaining 2-5 pounds yearly.
Protip: Improv class isn't just for comedians. It's great practice for making audiences feel incredibly awkward in your day-to-day life, too.
In the adult world, robotripping yourself into a mystical seven-hour blackout and inexplicably waking up on your host's porch sans shirt might be frowned upon. Be prepared for "party" to be a different verb, noun, and adjective altogether. Theme parties, which previously served as an excuse for women to dress slutty, will now be used to make you solve fictional murders, all while there are real murders going unsolved everyday. Waste of time and resources? You bet.
Protip: The Butler did it. The Butler always did it.
The great Woody Allen had this to say about success: 80% of it is just showing up. Except for in college, where 80% of success is having your friend sign you into class and later borrowing their notes so you stay home in your jammy jams and play Mario Kart. Unfortunately, as a member of the workforce, you'll have to show up at least 95% of the time or risk kissing your newfound financial independence goodbye.
Protip: Drinking unnecessarily large amounts of water and peeing every 15 minutes is a great way to break up your workday.
Be prepared, for the first time in your life, to find entire genres popular music perplexing, or even scary. Take, for instance, the time I was awoken at Bonnaroo by the what I believed to be two intergalactic robots hate-fucking one another, only to later find out it was Grammy-award winning artist Skrillex performing a late-night set.
Protip: Think you're too young or cool to listen to a man sing about factories and unironically compare his body to car parts? Think again. Prepare to celebrate Bruce Springsteen's entire catalogue.
Ah the good old days, when a vomit spot on a shirt was worn like a biley badge of honor. But now, your drinking prowess will be measured in terms of quality, not quantity. Channel all that brainpower you've spent learning to toss a bacteria-riddled ping-pong ball into a bacteria-riddled beer cup towards pretending to be able to enjoy and distinguish between scotches and whiskeys.
Protip: Acting refreshed and somehow personally bettered after each sip is key.
Pump the breaks, Johnny Bodypaint. After graduation, dressing like the Green Man and screaming obscenities at 19-year-olds for attending a different school than you will just be sad. Exhibit too much school pride after college, and it's a slippery slope before you're the balding guy getting into drunken fistfights with opposing mascots at halftime.
Protip: Join your company's softball league. Cleat-first slides will transform your pent-up passive aggression towards your coworkers into cathartic active aggression, without risking a lawsuit or restraining order.
Unfortunately, drunk, one-time unattached sexual shenanigans may be thing of the past. Instead of getting hammered and taking home the last person standing at your local college watering hole, you'll be forced to attend gallery openings, independent film screenings, and pricey dinners, all before hand-to-boob contact is made. The payoff? Better, weirder sex.
Protip: Despite what you may have heard, online dating isn't just for shut-ins, Christians, and the emotionally disturbed. It's the wave of the future. Did you know that dating websites' algorithms have become so advanced, they can now find people in your area and age bracket?
Adios vaguely inspiring Bob Marley quote. Sayonara, unattainably hot girls making out. Peace out, painted Pink Floyd ass cleavage. After graduation, posters are no longer an acceptable way to adorn your living quarters. From now on you'll need to demonstrate class and sophistication when deciding what lines your walls.
Protip: Nothing exudes taste like a tasteful nude or an Ansel Adams photograph of a poverty-stricken dust bowl family.
Barring a Oceans 11-esque heist and subsequent escape to a nameless island, it'll be a long haul before you spend another entire summer backpacking through Europe and cloyingly chronicling the entire experience on Instagram. If you're lucky, however, you'll have "Summer Fridays," meaning you'll leave a few hours early on Fridays. Sometimes.
Protip: Spending summer Fridays drinking with your coworkers while complaining about other coworkers is a great way to bond. Indeed, this is how you'll form most long-lasting relationships as an adult.
In college, Facebook was a great resource for forming new friendships, locating scantily-clad pictures of your best looking friends and acquaintances, and staying up-to-date on the latest parties. As an adult, you'll mostly use it to see who's gotten married, fat, pregnant, or any combination of the three.
Protip: Your potential employer might not find those pictures of you drawing dicks on passed-out friends as funny as you do. Just kidding. They're objectively hilarious. Kudos.
There you have it class of 2013. This advice, compounded with the advice Oprah, Nate Silver or Aaron Sorkin will inevitably give at your commencement, will surely help mold you into the productive member of society you were always destined to be.