INT. WEDDING CHAPEL OF THE FUTURE
It is the year 2033. Gay marriage has been legal for almost twenty years.
A man approaches the wedding registrar.
I would like to get married.
Of course. It is your right to marry whomever you choose.
This I know!
Who, what, or why would you like to you get married to?
As I'm sure you know, after gay marriage was fully legalized in 2013, there was soon no stopping men and women from marrying both animals and inanimate objects
Yes, of course. Who could forget the landmark 2016 Supreme Court Case, Holmes and Whiskers v. Church of Christ?
Or the subsequent 2017 case, Resnick and Table v. Fairfield Church?
I still remember President Obama's controversial support of Resnick marrying that table.
Yes, Michelle gave a terrific speech. Thank Maddow that Vice President Joe Biden's talk show appearance when he came out in support of people marrying inanimate objects pushed her to finally evolve on the issue.
I think you mean Supreme Court Justice Joe Biden.
Right, how could I forget? After all, he is the only straight male on the Supreme Court.
And the only Caucasian!
What's a Caucasian?
Seriously, I am not familiar with that word.
Anyway, what did you mean when you said I could marry "why"?
Have you not yet watched the news on today's The Daily Show? American citizens are now legally allowed to marry abstract concepts.
It's just an old expression. I was surprised, because I hadn't heard the news.
Yes, President Obama officially endorsed the measure today.
Wow! She might be a more liberal president than her mother was.
Perhaps, but it is difficult to gauge liberal issues in a Socialist country.
This news changes everything. Here I was, all ready to marry my favorite sweater.
He motions to the sweater he is wearing.
I received it as part of a complimentary "Get Well Soon" package from my local healthcare provider.
Then as a small business owner, I probably helped pay for it!
It's a beautiful sweater. I can see why you'd fall in love with it and want to marry it, even though the idea of someone marrying a sweater could be seen as ridiculous even just twenty years ago, before gay marriage was legalized.
It's funny you should mention that. I'm actually a heterosexual, but I feel too intimidated by the LGBT community to marry a woman.
Ever since they took control of the Senate, the LGBT Party has indeed gone mad with power. Heterosexuals everywhere being pressured to marry non-heterosexuals. And inanimate objects. And now, abstract concepts.
Well, since the Supreme Court has evolved yet again, I suppose I'll have to marry an abstract concept. Could I please apply for a marriage certificate to wed the idea of time as a nonlinear construct?
Of course! Also, we're currently conducting a Nate Silver, so I do have to ask you: why you would you like to marry nonlinear time?
I guess I love the idea that someday we might return to a period when I could simply marry a woman in peace, without being forced to marry people or objects or abstract concepts that I don't want to, but am forced to because other people can.
Well, I wish you and nonlinear time a wonderful honeymoon. To process this wedding, I'll just need to see your ID.
Does my NRA card work?
Both laugh and laugh.