1. The Santa Clause
On Christmas Eve, Charlie Calvin's dad startles Santa Claus, which makes him fall off a roof and die. That is the premise of this family-friendly Christmas movie. This is horrifying. The kid sees Santa DIE, then his own dad becomes Santa, which leads his mother and step-father to revoke his custody because he's crazy and they think he's made Charlie crazy. That's bad enough, but the movie ignores another traumatizing thought, that Charlie probably thought of somewhere between the horrors of The Santa Clause 2 and The Santa Clause 3: the Santa he watched die was probably somebody else's Santa Dad. Try stay well-adjusted with all that in your head.
Josh, tired of being overlooked by girls because he's a little prepubescent boy, wishes to be big (a real lesson in choosing your words wisely) and then wakes up the next morning as grown man Tom Hanks. During the course of his rather excellent turn at being an adult, he meets Elizabeth Perkins. After an educational flirtation that teaches her the meaning of kindness and caring, she straight up bones a 13 year-old. When Tom Hanks decides he wants to be a kid again, he just goes back to being a 13 year-old who has had sex with a grown woman. Probably going to have a weird relationship with sex after that one, but at least he knows that a really cool career is extremely attainable.
Ok. This is the most insanely messed up movie of all time. Young Alan Parrish and Sarah Whittle sit down to play a game, one thing leads to another, and Alan gets sucked into the game, and Sarah runs off. Then, decades later, two new stupid kids start to play this spooky game that doesn't look fun at all, and they release Alan from his jungle prison. Then they track down the completely messed up Sarah Whittle who spent her whole life trying to explain that she saw a boy get sucked into a board game, so they can finish the game and be relieved of its curse. All of this is regular breakdown-inducing, but then they successfully finish the game, and TIME RESETS. Alan Parrish and Sarah Whittle go back to being 13 year-olds, but they retain all their memories of this other thoroughly terrifying life. No wonder they end up getting married; they must be completely incapable of talking to other humans. Also, the boy knows that he turns into a person who looks like Robin Williams. That's got to weigh on you.
Oh, hey, kids. You know your dad who's a jerk? And you know that fictional character Peter Pan, the happy boy who never grows old? Well they're the same person. Your father gave up immortality to be a jerk to you. Now you're kidnapped and in a magic land that you previously thought was fake. Please watch a fellow youth die now, then attempt to carry on with your normal life. Robin Williams movies are nuts.
5. Mrs. Doubtfire
When Robin Williams and Sally Field split up, Sally Field gets primary custody (even though she's the way less fun parent) and, instead of just trying to be a more responsible adult, Robin Williams decides to become a responsible adult who is an old lady nanny. Because duh. Divorce is hard enough on kids, adding a cross-dressing betrayal of trust is just overkill.
6. Heavy Weights
It's embarrassing enough to have your parents send you to fat camp against your will. For most kids, that would be a childhood low. But for the fatboys in Heavy Weights, their childhood low was probably being starved and threatened by a jacked Ben Stiller, then becoming kidnappers themselves. Their "What did you do this summer?" essays when they got back to school must have been fucked up. And they didn't even lose weight.
7. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
Being shrunk to 1/4 of an inch, thrown in the garbage by your father, nearly killed by a scorpion, then the sprinkler system, then the giant blades of a lawn mower, all because of a stupid invention your father/next door neighbor made isn't exactly going to leave your with warm feelings toward him. The one upside is that you'd know that situation was SO crazy, you wouldn't need to be afraid of having it happen again, right? Nope. Sequels.
8. The Goonies
Just stare at this .gif of Chunk getting his hand shoved in a blender. How is this a movie for children? It's terrifying. All of these kids are confronted with actual life-threatening situations ON TOP of the fact that they're all too poor to save their homes and they're generally pretty mean to each other. Sure, they probably learned some great lessons about bravery and stuff, but at what cost? Look at that .gif again.
9. Rookie of the Year
We've all seen how an early rise to fame can severely screw up a person. Just go read Amanda Bynes' Twitter. So how are we suppose to think that anything good can happen to the kid who got incredibly talented at baseball after an arm injury, got in the big leagues, then went back to being a worthless kid just as fast? No way. That kid is on drugs.
10. Home Alone
In real life, this entire scenario would be traumatizing even without the burglars. Hell, even without the being forgotten by his family part. Being called a jerk by your own flesh and blood and having no one in your family be at all kind to you is really enough to permanently damage a child. The rest definitely turned him into a serial killer.