Scene 1 – Mr. Johnson's Office

  1. Mr. Johnson

    Well, once again, Neil, your reports are spot-on in terms of accuracy, but where's the flair? The risk?

  2. Neil

    Sorry, sir.

  3. Mr. Johnson

    Take a chance, Neil. It might just work out for you one a' these days.

  4. Neil

    Yes, sir.

  5. Mr. Johnson

    And find a girl, would you? You're bummin' all of us out.

  6. Neil

    I'll work on that, sir.

  7. They share a chuckle.


Scene 2 – Supermarket


  1. Neil turns a corner and COLLIDES with GRUNILDA. She's overweight, with frizzy brown hair, tiny beady eyes, and terrible posture. She wears sweatpants and a large t-shirt. She speaks in a nasal, monotonous tone.

  2. Grunilda

    Sorry. I'm Grunilda.

  3. Neil

    Wow.

  4. Grunilda

    What?

  5. Neil

    That name, it's very… ugly.

  6. Grunilda

    Thanks. My parents were garbagemen.

  7. Neil

    Do you… maybe want to get coffee or something?

  8. Grunilda

    Nah. Coffee's boring.

  9. Neil laughs, charmed.

  10. Neil

    I never thought about it like that, but you're right.

  11. Grunilda

    Let's sit around on my couch and both look at our phones instead.

  12. Neil

    It's a date.

  13. A woman walks by with a shopping cart and Neil makes room for her to pass.

  14. Grunilda

    What are you doing?

  15. Neil

    Making room…?

  16. Grunilda

    Wow. Do you always do the "nice" thing like that?

  17. Neil

    Gosh, I guess so.

  18. She rolls her eyes and reluctantly moves aside for the woman, grumbling something about a "fat pig".

  19. Grunilda

    Try it.

  20. Neil

    I couldn't.

  21. Grunilda

    C'mon, it's fun. (calling after the woman) Lard-ass whore!

  22. The woman glances back at Grunilda fearfully.


Scene 3 – Batting Cages


  1. Neil and his goofball friend Rob are at the batting cages.

  2. Neil

    …she litters all the time, and she makes her own jewelry out of human teeth.

  3. Rob

    Wow, you're really falling for this broad.

  4. Neil

    I dunno, she's like no girl I've ever met before. She makes me realize that life is long. Really, really long.

  5. Rob

    Buddy, I've known you since college and I've never seen you like this over a chick before! You seem so… dulled.

  6. Neil

    She makes me want to grab what's important to me and procrastinate. I want to nap! I want to lie in bed checking the weather and eating microwave brownies! I want to spend a couple hours reading the Wikipedia pages of all the chemicals in diet soda! And I want to do it with her.

  7. Rob

    Don't let her go, man.


Scene 4 – Park


  1. Grunilda and Neil sit on a blanket.

  2. Grunilda

    Oh, I made you a mix CD to inspire you for your big presentation at work.

  3. Neil takes the CD, impressed.

  4. Grunilda

    I don't really listen to music, so it's just a couple hours of pained moaning that I recorded myself.

  5. Neil

    Wow, thanks.

  6. They see a cute old man crossing the park towards a sweet old lady.

  7. Grunilda

    Hey, see that guy?

  8. Neil

    Yeah.

  9. Grunilda

    Let's give him a little surprise and trip him.

  10. Neil

    What? We can't do that!

  11. Grunilda

    What are you so afraid of, Neil? What are you waiting for? This is your life. It's not a dress rehearsal.

  12. Neil takes a deep breath.

  13. Neil

    Let's do it.

  14. They trip the old man and he falls down. They kick him mercilessly as he whimpers.

  15. Neil

    (still kicking) Grunilda?

  16. Grunilda

    What?

  17. Neil

    I love you.


Scene 5 – Conference Room


  1. Neil stands in front of Mr. Johnson, Rob, and a bunch of executives.

  2. Neil

    And that's why what's most important strategy for this account will be… Grunilda.

  3. Mr. Johnson

    Neil?

  4. Neil

    Oh my God. Grunilda. It's been her all along!

  5. He gets up.

  6. Rob

    But Neil… the big presentation?

  7. Neil

    Screw the big presentation.

  8. The executives gasp. One faints. Minutes later, at Grunilda's apartment, Grunilda opens the door to a soaking wet, panting Neil.

  9. Neil

    I realized something today. In the past two weeks, I've been horrified, appalled, and frankly pretty grossed out. But I've also become a much, much worse person. I want to be that person, Grunilda. I want to be with you.

  10. He kisses her.

  11. Grunilda

    Okay, whatever. Can you help me lead a campaign to outlaw puppies and children in my building?

  12. Neil smiles.

  13. Neil

    I'd like that.