Well, once again, Neil, your reports are spot-on in terms of accuracy, but where's the flair? The risk?
Take a chance, Neil. It might just work out for you one a' these days.
And find a girl, would you? You're bummin' all of us out.
I'll work on that, sir.
They share a chuckle.
Neil turns a corner and COLLIDES with GRUNILDA. She's overweight, with frizzy brown hair, tiny beady eyes, and terrible posture. She wears sweatpants and a large t-shirt. She speaks in a nasal, monotonous tone.
Sorry. I'm Grunilda.
That name, it's very
Thanks. My parents were garbagemen.
maybe want to get coffee or something?
Nah. Coffee's boring.
Neil laughs, charmed.
I never thought about it like that, but you're right.
Let's sit around on my couch and both look at our phones instead.
It's a date.
A woman walks by with a shopping cart and Neil makes room for her to pass.
What are you doing?
Wow. Do you always do the "nice" thing like that?
Gosh, I guess so.
She rolls her eyes and reluctantly moves aside for the woman, grumbling something about a "fat pig".
C'mon, it's fun. (calling after the woman) Lard-ass whore!
The woman glances back at Grunilda fearfully.
Neil and his goofball friend Rob are at the batting cages.
she litters all the time, and she makes her own jewelry out of human teeth.
Wow, you're really falling for this broad.
I dunno, she's like no girl I've ever met before. She makes me realize that life is long. Really, really long.
Buddy, I've known you since college and I've never seen you like this over a chick before! You seem so
She makes me want to grab what's important to me and procrastinate. I want to nap! I want to lie in bed checking the weather and eating microwave brownies! I want to spend a couple hours reading the Wikipedia pages of all the chemicals in diet soda! And I want to do it with her.
Don't let her go, man.
Grunilda and Neil sit on a blanket.
Oh, I made you a mix CD to inspire you for your big presentation at work.
Neil takes the CD, impressed.
I don't really listen to music, so it's just a couple hours of pained moaning that I recorded myself.
They see a cute old man crossing the park towards a sweet old lady.
Hey, see that guy?
Let's give him a little surprise and trip him.
What? We can't do that!
What are you so afraid of, Neil? What are you waiting for? This is your life. It's not a dress rehearsal.
Neil takes a deep breath.
Let's do it.
They trip the old man and he falls down. They kick him mercilessly as he whimpers.
(still kicking) Grunilda?
I love you.
Neil stands in front of Mr. Johnson, Rob, and a bunch of executives.
And that's why what's most important strategy for this account will be
Oh my God. Grunilda. It's been her all along!
He gets up.
the big presentation?
Screw the big presentation.
The executives gasp. One faints. Minutes later, at Grunilda's apartment, Grunilda opens the door to a soaking wet, panting Neil.
I realized something today. In the past two weeks, I've been horrified, appalled, and frankly pretty grossed out. But I've also become a much, much worse person. I want to be that person, Grunilda. I want to be with you.
He kisses her.
Okay, whatever. Can you help me lead a campaign to outlaw puppies and children in my building?
I'd like that.