The Honest Job Interview

 

  1. Interviewer

    Thanks for taking the time to come in, although I'm sure you weren't busy at all, seeing as you're unemployed.

  2. Applicant

    Yeah, that's true. I mean I have DVR so I'm really not missing anything important. Although this is really early for me, I usually wake up around noon, lay in bed until 12:30. Ish.

  3. Interviewer

    Excellent. So why are you interested in this job?

  4. Applicant

    I'm not, I just need a job.

  5. Interviewer

    Okay. Just so you know, we will be taking advantage of you and paying you the bare minimum.

  6. Applicant

    And just so you know, I will be doing the bare minimum.

  7. Interviewer

    Okay, but our expectations are going to be, let's say, unreasonably high. Like if you could be as much like a high-speed robot as possible, that would be ideal.

  8. Applicant

    Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that. I'm pretty much looking for a job where I don't have to move much or think much, so I have the time and energy to do the things I actually care about.

  9. Interviewer

    Why don't you get a job doing the things you care about?

  10. Applicant

    I'm trying, but in the interim I need a job that will barely cover my cost of living. You know what I'm saying?

  11. Interviewer

    I think so. I was once like you, had dreams. But I gave up on them. I gave up on all my dreams, and that's why I'm here.

  12. Applicant

    I thought that might be the case. I mean I assumed it was. I guessed that you used to be full of life, but after years in this place, you had every last bit of hope drained from your body.

  13. Interviewer

    Yes, that's exactly what happened. And now what I do is take that hope out of people younger than me, the people I hire, and basically I harvest it. It's like -- are you familiar with how vampires work?

  14. Applicant

    Sure.

  15. Interviewer

    Great, I'll make note of that. So I'm like a vampire, a hope vampire, and when you leave here every day, you'll be completely devoid of hope or happiness.

  16. Applicant

    So you're like a Dementor, really.

  17. Interviewer

    Yes! I wasn't sure if Harry Potter was something you were familiar with, but yeah, I'm a Dementor.

  18. Applicant

    Okay, so is everyone I've ever worked for.

  19. Interviewer

    Great! This is going really well. What are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?

  20. Applicant

    I have very few strengths that would be of any use at all in this kind of environment. I'd say my biggest weakness, if you wanna call it that, is that I just don't care.

  21. Interviewer

    And why did you leave your last job?

  22. Applicant

    I wanted to move on and do other things.

  23. Interviewer

    Which means...

  24. Applicant

    I was fired.

  25. Interviewer

    Good, good. Well I'll let you know, and by that I mean I'll never call you, and will instead leave you waiting and wondering for weeks.

  26. Applicant

    Business as usual!


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