Thanks for taking the time to come in, although I'm sure you weren't busy at all, seeing as you're unemployed.
Yeah, that's true. I mean I have DVR so I'm really not missing anything important. Although this is really early for me, I usually wake up around noon, lay in bed until 12:30. Ish.
Excellent. So why are you interested in this job?
I'm not, I just need a job.
Okay. Just so you know, we will be taking advantage of you and paying you the bare minimum.
And just so you know, I will be doing the bare minimum.
Okay, but our expectations are going to be, let's say, unreasonably high. Like if you could be as much like a high-speed robot as possible, that would be ideal.
Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that. I'm pretty much looking for a job where I don't have to move much or think much, so I have the time and energy to do the things I actually care about.
Why don't you get a job doing the things you care about?
I'm trying, but in the interim I need a job that will barely cover my cost of living. You know what I'm saying?
I think so. I was once like you, had dreams. But I gave up on them. I gave up on all my dreams, and that's why I'm here.
I thought that might be the case. I mean I assumed it was. I guessed that you used to be full of life, but after years in this place, you had every last bit of hope drained from your body.
Yes, that's exactly what happened. And now what I do is take that hope out of people younger than me, the people I hire, and basically I harvest it. It's like -- are you familiar with how vampires work?
Great, I'll make note of that. So I'm like a vampire, a hope vampire, and when you leave here every day, you'll be completely devoid of hope or happiness.
So you're like a Dementor, really.
Yes! I wasn't sure if Harry Potter was something you were familiar with, but yeah, I'm a Dementor.
Okay, so is everyone I've ever worked for.
Great! This is going really well. What are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?
I have very few strengths that would be of any use at all in this kind of environment. I'd say my biggest weakness, if you wanna call it that, is that I just don't care.
And why did you leave your last job?
I wanted to move on and do other things.
I was fired.
Good, good. Well I'll let you know, and by that I mean I'll never call you, and will instead leave you waiting and wondering for weeks.
Business as usual!
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