No one knows when the end of days will be upon us, but chances are we won't get a lot of warning that it's coming. The good news is, you already have plenty of survival skills you didn't even know about! So take a look at what you already know, and get even more pointers when This Is The End opens in theaters June 14th.
As the end of the world nears and supplies dwindle- actual "food" is going to become scarce
Luckily for you most of your diet already consists of processed substances that only bear a passing resemblance to actual food, so while those with weak intestines struggle to find nutrients amongst the fructose and empty calories, your already carefully calibrated system will chug along like it's any other day of eating garbage!
You've probably pulled an all-nighter or two in your day
Maybe even gone on a full-fledged bender. At the time you probably weren't thinking about how you were building survival skills (actually, you probably didn't think anything at all). But in a world were danger lurks around every turn and sleep at the wrong moment could mean instant death, what was an unhealthy lifestyle is now and continuing to be alive lifestyle.
Eventually you will have to sleep, but this opportunity may present itself on a craggy rock face next to an unquenchable tower of flame. While this might prove difficult to some, you regularly pass out in far, far less comfortable sleeping situations- so catch those Z's while you can and you'll be solid gold!
As pits of burning sulfur open upon the landscape, and the last vestiges of the world you knew are consumed in flame, the air quality is likely to take a nosedive. If only there were some way to filter those harsh fumes
maybe through water
providing a breathing experience that's gentler on the lungs. Enter -your bong collection. You've got enough "portable breathing filtration units" to equip a small army. And even if you don't have them handy
You've been building spur of the moment tools since middle school. Whatever's on hand (an empty 2 liter bottle, a soda can, even an apple) in your capable hands it becomes a working combustion chamber. As the population is weeded out (no pun intended) you may find yourself is weeded out (pun intended), and the closest thing to a mechanic still alive.
Speaking of staying alive-, you're going to need to stay hydrated if you want to do so. Fresh drinking water will likely be a thing of the past, so if it's wet and not marked poison- you're going to need to be ready to drink it. Best-case scenario this means a steady stream of expired half-and-half and skunky wine coolers. Worst-case? Your own urine. This might present a challenge for most, but you have an iron clad liver and battle hardened kidneys, you're already well acquainted with processing toxins that would kill a lesser man.
The real make or break is going to be the team you're facing the pending disaster with. Maybe they're a team of highly trained commandoes who knows how to purify water with pair of reading glasses and make a lean to out of a pair of pants in under 5 minutes. That's great- but even if you're with the same goof-offs you usually hang out, hat can be good news too. Remember- you don't have to be faster that the horrible creature unleashed from the infernal depths, just faster than you're delicious friend who can buy you a few moments by getting eaten first! Teamwork!