Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The 10 Lamest Rap Brags
June 18, 2013
"I'm 5'5" but I can six nine"
- Lil Wayne, "Pop That" [4:35]
Anyone with a willing participant can 69, he might as well talk about being a short guy on a tandem bicycle.
"Spaghetti bolognese in the Polo Lounge"
- Drake, "Stay Schemin'" [2:12]
Yes, the Polo Lounge is one of the nicest restaurants in Beverly Hills, but dining there kind of loses its luster when you order what has got to be the most basic item they have on the menu. You'd probably be better off ordering the jalapeño poppers, because that at least gives people the option to think you're a vegetarian.
"Mix that Goose with Malibu I call it 'Malibooyah'"
- Kanye West, "Monster" [1:34]
Congratulations, Ye, you call it what my dad, Stuart Scott, and every other guy over 40 who's ever watched SportsCenter would.
"I giggle outside the booth; ain't no joke inside"
- Bubba Sparxxx, "Ugly" [0:47]
It's nice that he takes his job seriously, but giggling makes it tough to respect anyone, especially someone who goes by Bubba Sparxxx.
"I'm the definition of: half man, half drugs"
- P. Diddy "Bad Boy For Life" [0:49]
Either this means he's dead or a rejected Jim Breuer character.
"I be tossin', enforcin', my style is awesome / I'm causin more Family Feud's than Richard Dawson"
, "Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthing ta Fuck Wit" [0:32]
Richard Dawson only hosted "Family Feud," the people who answered the survey are really the ones causing the infighting. This is like saying you're the kid who's been at the most sleepovers where a friend's dad came home drunk.
"I beat the pussy UP, UP, UP, UP, UP, UP, UP"
- Love Rance, "Up!" [Pretty much the entire song]
There might be
some women out there who want their vaginas murdered
, but it seems like most would prefer a more loving approach. That middle ground is no place to be.
"I love you like a fat kid love cake"
- 50 Cent, "21 Questions" [3:02]
Sure, fat kids love cake, but they also love cookies, pastries, ice cream, stale graham crackers, and anything else that's edible. That's why they're overweight: they eat too much of everything and they're too young to know any better.
"Hey, this is my jam"
- Flo Rida, "In The Ayer" [0:46]
According to everyone, though nobody I actually know, will.i.am = hits. That said, it's still difficult to believe anyone in their right mind would not only take credit for this atrocity of a song, but brag about it being their jam. A word that should be reserved for spreads and tunes I've been escorted away from DJ booths for requesting too many times.
"Hilton / Hilton / Bitch, I'm Paris Hilton (4x)"
- Lil B, "Im Paris Hilton" [The entire song]
Get with the times, Lil B, everyone knows Nicky is where it's at.
Alex Watt is on
and an ego trip.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.